Broken Wings
by Coombs
Summary: After the destruction of the Normandy, Joker is grounded and returns to Arcturus Station. Cerberus recruits him. Rated M for strong language and sexual content.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Thanks to Buggirl and Nightodie, who both helped me with their input and advice. This is my attempt of telling Joker's story after the destruction of the Normandy. It's based on my Shepard from Darkangel, so Wrex and Ashley haven't survived and the old Council was sacrificed. All characters belong to Bioware!

* * *

**Chapter 1**

"And you're saying, you saw Commander Shepard die?" The Admiral asked.

"No, I'm saying, she hauled me into the last evac shuttle and then this other ship came back for another attack. When we were hit for the second time, Shepard was thrown back and the last thing she did for me was push the button to eject the rescue pod," Joker growled. "I already told you this. She's dead, okay?"

"I think, that's enough." Captain Anderson said before adding. "You're dismissed, Lieutenant."

Joker dragged himself to his feet and picked up his crutches. Slowly, he limped out of the office and down the stairs, silently cussing at not being able to put as much space as possible between himself and the presidium in the quickest way possible. He wanted to leave the members of the Alliance brass behind. Them and their insistent, repetitive questions over the past fourteen hours of interrogation. Not only was he confronted with three internal investigators, they were then joined by four Council representatives, Admiral Hackett and Captain Anderson.

They had doubted his story, had tried to pin him down with trick questions. He'd been smart enough to sail around all their insulting hints, but all that had only added to the guilt that was already eating him inside. Shepard had died because of him. If he had only followed her order, or gotten out of that chair the moment she had entered the cockpit, both of them would have been inside that damn evac shuttle long before the next wave of fire had hit them.

Joker came to a halt by a bench and sat down. He was out of breath. Walking just wasn't his thing. He was used to sitting in a pilot's chair all day, but staggering around the Citadel brought him to his physical limits. It reminded him once more that the best pilot in the Alliance fleet was nothing but a limping wimp, who tried to hide his insecurities behind that big mouth of his while his green eyes observed everyone and everything around him from beneath the bill of his cap. His hand snapped up to his uncovered head.

"Crap!" He hated being without his cap. Not so much for the feeling of being naked when not wearing it but for the lack of self-confidence it gave him whenever he took it off.

"_You can do this, Jeffrey," the woman said to the five-year old boy that was sitting on a wooden bench in front of her. Tears streaming down his dirty cheeks._

"_I don't wanna ever go back there, Ma," he sobbed stubbornly. _

"_This was only your first day. You can't always give up that easily," his mother said gently. "You'll like it there." _

"_No, I won't. Billy is mean. He called me a crippled cross-leg." Jeffrey sobbed again and pouted. _

"_I spoke with Ms Garner, and she promised me that she'll talk to them, all of them, but you have to go back there. You can't give up and stay at home. I thought you wanted to fly those big ships one day, hm?" the woman carefully petted his hand. _

"_I can learn that at home," little Jeffrey wasn't convinced yet. _

"_Okay, I make you a deal," his mother tried one last attempt. "If you go there again tomorrow, I will give you Daddy's cap." _

_Jeffrey's green eyes lit up instantly as he beamed at his mum. "The one with the big red eagle on it?" _

"_That very one," she nodded. _

"_And I can wear it to school every day?" _

"_You can wear it whenever you like unless Ms Garner asks you to take it off."_

_Jeffrey considered the offer for a moment. How often had he stood before the glass display in which the cap lay like a treasure. Once he'd taken a chair, climbed up and taken it out, his little legs shaking with anticipation when his hands touched the sacred piece. His mother had been so angry, all the neighbours must have heard her yelling. From that day on, the display had been locked and he could only admire its content from the outside. He knew, she was trying to bribe him and he didn't want to ever see this nasty Billy again, but this had been Daddy's cap and he wanted it so badly. This may be his only chance to ever possess it. _

_Finally, his tear-stained face smiled at his mother, "Okay, Ma, I promise, I'll go back." _

"_And you promise me you'll never give up again?" _

"_Yes." _

"_Give me a hug," she was glad she'd been able to convince her only son to give grade-school another chance and Jeffrey threw his little arms around his mother's neck to hug her tightly. _

"_You can achieve everything, sweetie," she said, rubbing his back. "Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And don't ever let anyone push you around because of your disease." _

"_I won't, Ma. I'm gonna be the best pilot in the whole galaxy," he mumbled. _

His father's cap had eventually fallen apart thirteen years later. It had already had been frayed at the ends when his mother gave it to him. He sometimes hadn't even taken it off at night before going to sleep. It had been washed and dried at least a hundred times and by the day Joker had turned fifteen, the embroidered red eagle on the front had turned into a pale-brown, unidentifiable, something with wings and no beak where the twine had come loose. He had loved this cap. It was the only piece his father had left them and wearing it had made him feel strong and invulnerable. When it was too tattered to wear any longer, his mother had given him a new one the day he enlisted with the Alliance Navy. A simply dark-blue cap.

"_If you find the place where you belong," she said, "Show it!"_

And he had. He had fallen in love with the Normandy the first time he'd seen her. He had wanted to be the pilot from that very moment on. The night, he received his assignment, he hadn't been able to sleep but had limped through half of Arcturus Station just to find a shop that would embroider two letters and a digit onto his cap..._SR1_.

Twenty-eight years had had to pass for him to find his own place in the galaxy and now it was gone. Destroyed by an unknown enemy. Not only had he failed at saving his ship, but he also felt responsible for the death of the galaxy's biggest hero.

People of all species walking by jolted his mind back to the present. Five weeks had passed since Sovereign's attack on the station. The presidium looked as good as new but in other areas chaos and destruction still dominated the scene. On a normal shore leave he would have gone straight to Chora's Den, watched the dancers, paid a hooker or two if luck didn't send any other options his way, and spent his days drinking and enjoying himself. But the Den had been shut down. Going down to the Wards now resembled a nearly hopeless endeavour, at least for him. The old Rapid Transit wasn't going there anymore. Even if he took a transit shuttle, he still would have to climb down too many stairs. Although C-Sec officers were constantly present in every part of the Wards the crime rate had increased after the attack, another fact that wasn't quite encouraging for a man who needed crutches just to stand upright. It was draining for him to actually go anywhere by foot. Ten times more people going about their business, none of them watching where they stepped. More than once he had been knocked down or pushed aside by unobservant and uncaring pedestrians.

Grudgingly he got to his feet again. He needed a drink, badly, and the only place that was somewhat located nearby, was the Dark Star Lounge. It certainly lacked the Den's atmosphere that he had come to appreciate, like the dimly-lit small booths with your own dancer. Asari weren't necessarily his first choice but, especially when drunk, he had never been picky anyway as long as they had all the right spots in all the right places and didn't belong to the talkative kind. Yet the Dark Star had neither booths nor strippers. At least he would get some booze into his system, given he could reach it without breaking his legs. He sighed when he saw the crowd in front of the transit shuttle station. This would take a while.

"But this ship didn't look like a geth ship at all," a woman argued with a man next to her. The couple was standing a bit further down the queue.

"Since when are you a geth expert?" Her companion snarled. "The Council said it was Saren's geth warship. Why would they lie to us?"

She turned away and shrugged helplessly.

"Because they're a bunch of ignorant, limp-wristed cock suckers," Joker shouted angrily. The people in the queue fell silent and most turned their heads to see who had spoken. "Everything they told you about this large ship? Bullshit. It was a reaper. The geth aren't the real threat. The Reapers are."

"And how do you know that?" The man asked in a sceptical voice.

"Because I was there. I was the pilot of one of the Alliance ships when he attacked," Joker replied.

"Really! Which ship?" Someone else asked, no less sceptical than the man before.

"The Normandy."

"You're the pilot of the Normandy?" A turian next to him chimed in.

"Oh please, look at this guy. He can barely walk," the first man pointed at Joker's crutches and leg braces. "Do you really believe the Alliance would let a cripple fly one of their ships?" He snorted and shook his head, waving his hand dismissively before he turned back to the woman.

The crowd picked up their chatter leaving Joker standing where he was. He looked down, wishing he had both hands free to clench them into fists but those damn walking-sticks allowed him not even this small gesture of anger. He'd just been humiliated by some ignorant jerk whose ass he and countless other soldiers had saved a little over a month ago.

"Don't pay any attention to them." The turian was still standing beside him. "They rather live in a world of ignorance." His eyes were fixed on the human.

"My name is Joven," he said, when Joker made no attempt to speak.

"No need to feel pity for the crippled guy," Joker snarled.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean ... I wasn't..." he stammered.

Joker snapped out of his angry mindset and felt guilty. There was no need to take out his bad mood on this turian.

"No, I'm sorry. Jeff Moreau," he replied. "I'd shake your hand but I'd probably ram one of these," he nodded towards his crutches, "Into your private parts or something."

"Pleasure to meet you. You said you're the pilot of the Normandy. So you saw that Reaper?"

"Yeah, huge bastard. And fucking hard to destroy, too."

"Many good soldiers lost their lives in the fight. It angers me that the Council is trying to play it down. But they've always been good at this." Joven shook his head.

Both men waited patiently in line for a vacant transit shuttle, talking about the attack and the Council's ignorance. Joker was grateful for the distraction. Joven prattled on telling him about his work for Haliat Armory, a turian weapon manufacturer and the constant travels throughout the whole galaxy his job required. When a shuttle arrived, the turian held the door open and turned to him.

"I was on my way to the Dark Star. My ship to Ilium is leaving tomorrow and maybe you'd like to join me for a drink," he offered. "Unless you have other plans, of course."

"I wanted to go there anyway," Joker replied, glad that he wouldn't have to wait another hour for a shuttle. Although he would have preferred the company of a slightly buzzed woman over that of a turian business man, but after looking at the mass of people in the queue that were still in front of him, he decided that he could be picky some other time.

The shuttle took them from the presidium to level twenty-eight of Zakera Ward's mid-district. Once, Joker had climbed up all stairs, with much effort the turian noted, they entered the lounge and sat down at a vacant table on the left side of the entrance.

"Welcome to the Dark Star, Gentlemen. My name is Leanne, I'm your waitress for tonight," a young woman had appeared out of nowhere and was trotting out her greeting with a large fake smile plastered to her face. She wore a dark-blue top and a short black skirt that barely reached down over the upper half of her thighs. "Can I get you started with something to drink?" she asked while activating her datapad and looking expectantly first to Joven then to Joker.

"I don't know about my turian friend here, but you already got me started," the latter stated with a salacious look at her legs and a big grin.

"Sorry, Sir, witty remarks are out today," she replied coolly, "but getting kicked out by the bouncer is our all time special."

"Ouch, I think she just beat me at my own game," he grinned at Joven. "Alright, double scotch on the rocks for me," Joker finally ordered.

"Single malt or blended?" she asked while typing into her datapad.

"Single malt," he replied.

"And for you, Sir?" Leanne turned to the turian.

"I'll have a turian ale, please," Joven said.

"Of course. Anything else?" she asked but when both men just shook their heads, she added "I'll be right back," and disappeared again.

The next three hours passed by in a heated discussion about the Citadel, politics in general, the differences between human and turian females...

"_Have you even been with a human woman before?" - "No but an asari's as squishy and that's nearly the same." - "Pah, you can't compare a real woman to an asari." - "I still prefer a turian's well-built fringe over any of your kind." _

...about politics in particular...

"_I really like your species, ya know? But that new councilor of yours? Big asshole." - "I agree. Keeps pressing charges against his own people. Politics have softened him." _

...about the differences between human and turian food, life in the galaxy and eventually, Joven admitted defeat.

"My dear friend," he said after both men had emptied countless glasses of single malt scotch and turian ale. "Thank you for making this an entertaining evening." He rose from his chair. "But I'm afraid, I have to leave, for my shuttle to Ilium is departing early in the morning."

Joker suppressed a snort. The more the alcohol had affected Joven, the more plummy his talking had become, but he decided to play along.

"Bon voyage," he tipped an invisible hat and slightly bowed his head. He remembered an old blessing, his mother had carried around in one of these old notebooks. The ink had already started to fade away on the yellowed pages but those few lines were fixed into his mind because she had read them whenever they'd boarded a ship. "May the stars lighten your path, no obstacles in your way. May you reach your destination and find safely home some day." He raised his glass and toasted him.

Joven exaggeratedly bowed his head and then tottered towards the exit.

"Undiscovered poet, are we?" Leanne asked, appearing again and clearing the table of Joven's empty glasses.

"Sort of," Joker grinned. "Can you hit me again?" He motioned for her to take his empty glass and bring him a new one.

"You already had more then a couple of those," she raised an eyebrow. "You sure, you can take another one?"

"Well, what else can an undiscovered poet do than gloat over a beautiful woman and enjoy the blissful feeling of liquor pouring down his throat?"

She chuckled. "You're not really a poet, are you?"

"Nah," Joker laughed. "But I could be if that's the kind of guy you like."

"I prefer the adventurous type," she winked at him.

"Is pilot adventurous enough?"

"Of course you're a pilot. If I got five credits every time someone told me they were a pilot, I wouldn't be working here," she snorted.

"How 'bout I buy you a drink and you tell me your definition of adventurous," Joker had no intentions of letting her get off the hook that easily.

"And then what? You fill me up and then we end up at your cheap apartment?" She stood with one hand on her hips and glared at him.

"Well, yeah, that was my plan," he smiled at her, "But we would have to go to your place 'cause I'm staying at crew quarters right now and my bunk's not really made for two people. And you wouldn't want nine other soldiers watching us." His grin grew wider and his green eyes were fixed on her dark brown eyes.

Leanne shook her head, rolling her eyes, and turned away, making a disapproving snort sound.

"Hey, at least I was honest about my intentions," Joker yelled after her when she walked over to the bar. Was he imagining it or did she sway her hips more than before?

He leaned back in his chair and sighed. A beautiful woman was something that could really take his mind off things for a while. At least better, than a drunk turian could.

"My shift ends in an hour," Leanne said, placing a glass of Scotch on the table. "This one's on the house." Before he had a chance to open his mouth, she had disappeared again. Maybe this day wouldn't end so badly, after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Noise in the apartment below woke Joker the next morning. Leanne lay cuddled up next to him, fast asleep. Carefully, so as not to wake her, he tried to turn his head to catch a glimpse of the alarm clock on the bedside table. It showed 06:00. His body was used to Universal Time used on Alliance ships and human colonies, but on the Citadel everything was run on galactic standard time. A day had twenty hours and an hour had one hundred minutes with one minute being divided into one hundred seconds. But one second was only half as long as a second used in Universal Time. So a day on the Citadel was fifteen percent longer than on an Alliance ship. He still had plenty of time.

The young woman beside him stirred in her sleep. Slowly, he rolled over and rested his arm on her waist. Her dark brown hair lay strewn messily across the pillow.

_She placed a bottle and two empty glasses on the table before him. _

"_You're have an advantage here. You know my name but I don't know yours," she said smiling, sitting down where Joven had sat an hour earlier. _

"_I'm Jeff," he replied. _

"_Nice to meet you, Jeff." _

_She opened the bottle and poured the clear-brown fluid into the glasses. _

"_Are you on leave?" she asked, handing him a drink. _

"_You could say so," he replied. _

"_So more like grounded, hm?" Her eyes locked with his. He smiled. _

"_Yeah. You've got quite the knowledge about soldiers. Guess I'm not the first who ends up here?" _

_She frowned. A dark shadow fell over her eyes as she silently toasted him before taking a sip from her drink. _

"_My brother was in the Alliance," she finally said in a low voice, one that was almost drowned out by the loud music. "He died." She took another sip. _

"_I'm sorry to hear that," Joker replied sincerely, then tried to change the subject to something lighter. "Why the change of heart?" He asked pointing at the bottle. _

_She laughed. "You looked like you needed some company other than that of a drunken turian."_

_Then she shrugged. "Besides, you seem to be nice...different from the soldiers that usually pass through here." _

"_Hey I could take that as a compliment, or an insult," he joked, pointing at his crutches. _

"_Battlefield wound?" she asked raising an eyebrow. _

"_Well, yeah. Fighting my way out of my mum's womb with brittle bones was definitely a battle," he grinned. "Like war. Me against the world." _

_She smiled at him. Something in her eyes said she wasn't going to ask any more questions and for some reason he was grateful for that. _

"_I promise, I'll be gentle," she smirked._

"Morning," she smiled sleepily. "What time is it?"

"Way too early to be up," he said, gently tucking a streak of hair behind her ear. She moved closer to him, her fingers drawing circles on his chest.

"Then why are you up already?"

"Just watching you sleep." He pulled her body to his.

Maybe it was her pale white skin shimmering slightly in the dimness of her small apartment or her eyes that seemed to pierce his soul in a way that scared and encouraged him at the same time. Or perhaps it was her shyness and melancholy, both well hidden behind a mask of cheerful lightheartedness, that had broken through last night when she had mentioned her brother. Or maybe it was later, on their way to her apartment, when she had linked her arm with his in the dark hallway, leaning closer to him as if he could protect her from whatever monster was lurking around the corner. Maybe it was all of this combined, that had stopped him from getting out of bed and sneaking away while she was still sleeping. Like he had done so many times before.

"When do you have to go back?" She asked. He searched her face for any signs that would indicate she wanted him to leave, but her eyes were searching his instead, silently offering a way out, but shyly inviting him to stay.

Normally Joker would have taken this chance, dressed himself and left. Normally he had a place to go to. This wasn't 'normally'. Just like last night hadn't been just 'normally'.

"_Just make sure you don't break me in two," he laughed while she unlocked the door. "You don't want the mess." _

_She giggled. "And she really broke your pelvis? You're yanking me around." _

"_No, I'm not, I swear she did." He leaned casually against the wall, watching her, enjoying her clear laughter. "She said she had a gentle hand, but damn, it was more like a sledge hammer." _

_Leanne laughed out loud and turned to him, shaking her head. "You're the funniest guy I ever met, Jeff, do you know that?" She opened the door. "Ét voilà, home sweet home." An inviting gesture with her arms motioned for him to step in. _

_The apartment was small. A large bed at the end of the square room right underneath a small window, its view hidden behind a grey blind. A small desk to the right, two bedside tables. A tiny kitchenette, a sofa with a small table in front of it. It was clean and cosy. For some reason, a place unlike everything he had expected in this part of the wards, where the minority of people made a living from respectable jobs. _

"_Want another drink?" Leanne said, flinging her arms around his neck but he simply shook his head. _

_Her lips were soft and when they first touched his, she trembled slightly. When his tongue searched hers and its tip touched her upper lip, their shy kiss turned into longing. It wasn't longing for simple physical pleasure or release, but a deep desire to silence the loneliness and every other negative feeling inside. And although both of them kept joking around the whole night, their act was one of pure despair. They both knew it. He saw it in her eyes when he gently pressed forward into her. She held his gaze, didn't look somewhere else or just close her eyes. Her hands touched his face, her lips wandered from his mouth over his neck to his shoulders and back. She realized it from his actions. No selfish abuse of her body for his own satisfaction but his desperate need of feeling her close, kissing her, stroking her hair, touching her cheeks, caressing her body as if she was the one whose bones could break easily. _

"Actually, I have the whole day off," Joker said, leaving it for her to decide if she wanted him around a bit longer. "Only gotta report back in four hours to see if there's any news, but after that, I have no plans whatsoever."

Leanne moved closer to him and kissed him on the nose.

"I know it's still early but how about a shower and some breakfast?"

Joker leaned in and buried his face in her neck, kissing it gently. "Sounds good to me."

No this wasn't 'normally' at all but for some reason 'not normally' felt good.

Two hours later they sat in a small bistro, waiting for their breakfast to arrive. Joker hadn't expected a french type of restaurant on the Citadel, especially not with an elcor owner, but Leanne had assured him that the food was the best in the district. The coffee wasn't actually that bad for a start.

"So you're really a pilot, hm?" she said, stirring her coffee latte.

"I was. My ship got destroyed," he sighed.

"In the geth attack?"

"It wasn't a geth attack." His reply came harsher than he had intended. He looked out of the window. "It's just what the Council wants everyone to believe."

She looked at him and wrinkled her brows.

"But no, not in the attack." Joker finally said. He tried to remember what day exactly it had been. Merely forty-eight hours had passed since the Normandy's destruction.

"What happened?" She had rested her chin in the palm of her hand and looked at him. Her interest wasn't faked like her smile had been when he'd first met her.

"We were sent to destroy some goddamn geth outposts when someone attacked us."

"Batarians?"

"No. No idea who that was. Never seen a ship like that before. Their fire cut the Normandy in two. It was..."

"The Normandy!"

Joker nodded.

"You were the Normandy's pilot!" She stated it more than asking.

"I was, yeah."

"But that was Shepard's ship, wasn't it?" When he gave a questioning look, she added. "I saw her in an interview a while ago." Joker frowned at her mentioning the Commander.

"Here we have two eggs, sunny side up, bacon, french toast and a caesar's salad for the young lady," the waiter, a human male in his late forties, interrupted their conversation, placing three plates in front of Leanne. "And for you Sir, the scrambled eggs, sausages, a club sandwich and blueberry pancakes. Bon appetit." Three more plates appeared before Joker. Just now he realized that he hadn't really eaten anything since his last lunch break three hours before the attack on the ship.

The food not only looked delicious, but its mouth-watering smell pushed every sad memory to a small compartment in the back of his mind.

"Tuck in," Leanne smiled.

"Who am I to object," Joker grinned widely.

Both spent the next twenty minutes shovelling food into their mouths. She with definitely more grace than he did, but as hungrily. Eventually, their plates were emptied of every edible piece and Joker leaned back in his chair.

"This was the best food I've had in ages," he said with a satisfied grin. "A thousand times better than the stuff the Alliance feeds us." Demonstratively, he shivered with disgust. "And it looks like poodle...nevermind." Grinning sheepishly he scratched his head. Leanna laughed.

"I found this place on my first day on the Citadel," she said, wiping her lips with a napkin.

"How did you end up here anyway?"

Again a dark shadow fell over her eyes. "I grew up on Elysium," she said, taking in a sharp breath. "When those batarians attacked, my parents and my brother were killed." She looked out of the window, her mind painfully remembering the events of the Skyllian Blitz.

"There was this woman, a soldier. She saved my life. Mine and my uncle's." Her eyes found his. The story was well known throughout Council space. The story of a young Alliance soldier, spending her shore leave on Elyisium when the Blitz happened, fighting off an entire enemy platoon by herself and saving thousands of lives. Her heroic actions had earned her the Star Of Terra.

"Shepard," his voice sounded hoarse. She nodded. "You knew her." She nodded again.

"She saved my life." Tears welled up in her eyes. She tried blinking them away. "I've never seen anyone like her. Not before and never after."

Joker sat frozen to the very spot, unable to move. The lightness he had felt had vanished, replaced by a heavy rock inside his stomach. Every fibre of his body felt numb, yet he couldn't stop his mouth from opening and saying the words he had dreaded so much. His brain unable to process the order to just stay quiet.

"She's dead..." His voice cracked slightly when he added, "And it's my fault."

The look on Leanne's face was a mix between disbelief and shock. The tears she had tried to blink away just a minute ago, were now streaming down her cheeks. This was the first time he had said it. Voiced how he felt about what had happened. Yet unlike during the interrogation and those people who'd had no real personal connection with Shepard besides Anderson, seeing this young woman's sincere grieve over the Commander's death made him wish, he hadn't survived either.

She reached over the table and gently put her hand on his.

"I'm sorry," she said through her tears and the look she gave him, told him that she meant it.

He paid for both their breakfasts. When they left the bistro and stepped out, there was a moment of awkward silence between them. For the first time, Joker was at a loss for something witty or any words for that matter.

"I have some errands to run," she said, turning to him.

So that was it, he thought. He would just go back to the Presidium and sit around the crew quarters until someone in the Alliance decided what to do with him. If he was lucky, they would assign him to some ship, not as pilot, at least not for the near future, but maybe a co-pilot's position on one of the bigger ships.

"Maybe you want to come over tonight." Leanne's voice startled him out of his thoughts. "If you don't have any other plans. But you said you have off and I thought, maybe we could..." She shrugged helplessly. "I'm sorry, I sound like a babbling idiot."

Her fingers fumbled nervously on the collar of her top.

"No, I mean, yes, I'd like that. Not the babbling idiot thing but you know, the coming over tonight part," he gave her a crooked grin. She stepped closer to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"You know where to find me, soldier." Then she turned around and walked away, glancing at him over her shoulder one more time, before she disappeared in the crowd.

Joker headed towards the next transit shuttle station, grateful that there was no queue in front of it. He had to report back in a little over an hour, enough time to get changed.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Big thanks again to my betas Buggirl and Nightodie for putting up with my writing. :)

* * *

**Chapter 3**

"A memorial service for Commander Shepard will be held tomorrow at o-nine hundred," Anderson said. "The Council has offered all of us the chance to make a speech so if any of you would like to say some words in her honour," he didn't finish his sentence but looked at them.

The team had gathered in the Captain's small office. Kaidan stared absentmindedly out of the window while Garrus stood by the door. Liara had puffy eyes and the blue of her skin seemed to meld with the colour of the sofa she was sitting on. Tali stood motionless behind Joker who was sitting on a way too uncomfortable chair in front of the desk.

"Permission to speak freely," Kaidan asked hoarsely.

"Lieutenant, this is an informal meeting, speak your mind."

"What's going to happen now?"

Anderson looked down at his desk and folded his hands. "The Council and the Alliance refuse to make any official statement regarding the Reapers, but we already know that. As for all of you, I'm afraid that's out of my hands. The Alliance command will decide about your new assignments."

"So this means there's no place for us anymore," Tali stated.

"Of course, there's not," Joker growled. "You're not part of the Alliance."

"We're Shepard's team," Garrus chimed in. "Well, we were." He added, looking down.

"If there was anything I could do about it, I would. I don't like it either. But my hands are tied." Anderson stood up and dismissed them. "That'll be all."

The team left the office and when Joker closed the door, everyone had already walked off in different directions. He wasn't surprised that none of the others had waited for him. After their rescue they had exchanged but a few words.

"_Joker, where's the Commander?" Kaidan frowned. "Where is Shepard?" _

_He couldn't say it. He wasn't even able to look into the lieutenant's eyes when he shook his head. Alenko took a few steps backwards. Joker didn't have to look at him to notice how the man's figure in front of him literally fell to pieces. God, he wished a big hole in the ground would open up and just swallow him forever. _

"_Joker," Liara came running towards his bed, followed by Garrus and Tali. "Is it true?" She looked at Alenko and her voice cracked. "No, this can't be... what happened?" _

_He swallowed hard and told them, staring at his hands while his voice seemed to be that of a stranger's. _

"_So you didn't get into the evac shuttle, once she gave the order?" Garrus asked in a calm tone. Joker shook his head. _

"_I thought, I could save the Normandy," he whispered. _

_For a few brief moments, the turian stared into space. His expression was blank, unreadable. Then he turned around and left without any further ado. Liara cried silent tears into the palms of her hands. Tali stood in her enviro suit, her face hidden behind her mask's visor but her arms hanging limply at the sides of her body. Normally she fumbled nervously or exaggeratedly with her hands, even when she wasn't speaking. _

"_You disobeyed a direct order," Alenko shouted. _

"_I know, okay?" Joker snapped back, tears welling up in his eyes. _

"_You make me sick," the Lieutenant said coldly, before he stormed off. Tali gave Liara's elbow a gentle nudge and both of them left quietly._

_The looks he got later from the surviving crew weren't much helpful either. But Anderson's reaction cut wounds into his soul, ones that would never stop bleeding. _

"_I received your official report," the Captain said. "The interrogation starts in ten minutes. I must say, I've expected better of you, Lieutenant. You're a good pilot but first and foremost you are a soldier and soldiers follow orders, like it or not." _

_Joker tried to keep his countenance but every word burnt itself into him. He wasn't Joker anymore. Not to the Captain or any of the Alliance superiors. He had become Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau again. Joker's days were over. He had fucked up. _

Slowly, he made his way back to the crew quarters. When he entered, Parker greeted him.

"Moreau, guess who got lucky last night! " He stood in front of his armor locker and pointed both thumbs towards himself.

"Your hand and a holo of your mum don't count as getting lucky," Joker snapped back.

"Uh-oh, someone's had a rough night." Peterson said from his bunk.

"You need to get laid, dude." Parker insisted.

"Spare me with this crap," Joker growled.

"No, seriously. We should go out tonight. Get some drinks, find a bunch of girls and party it up."

"You don't get it, do you? I'm not in the mood to party. Just... leave me alone," he sat down on his own bunk.

"Sorry, man. Just trying to help you get your mind off things, ya know?"

Joker glared at him. "Fuck off, Parker."

"Guess, we better go before he beats the crap outta us with his over-sized chopsticks," Peterson joked. Then he slapped Parker's shoulder and jogged towards the door.

"You sure, you don't wanna come along?" he asked before leaving but Joker didn't deign to even look at him.

Right now he didn't want to go anywhere. Going to Shepard's memorial service would be hard. Should he prepare a speech for her? There was so much he wanted to say but he had never been good with those kind of words. She hadn't been just another superior officer to him. He'd had faith in everything she'd done throughout their mission. He had trusted her blindly. Just like she had relied on him to be her eyes and ears whenever she'd gone ashore. Other CO's had often voiced their concerns about some of his flight-maneuvers but his reputation of being the best pilot in the Alliance wasn't something he'd gained over night. Shepard, though, had never questioned any of his actions. And once the whole brittle-bone subject had been talked about, she had never brought it up again. She hadn't even known in the first place. He sighed. He had failed her. All of the crew had followed the evac order. All but him. She had expected all of them to make it into the rescue pods without second thoughts, trusting her with her order. Who was he that he had thought he could do this better than she had?

He bent over and reached down, retrieving a smaller crate from underneath his bunk. He opened it and took out a datapad.

'Commander Shepard,' he began to type. 'Was a great soldier, superior officer and a good friend.' Fuck, that not only sounded cheesy but Shepard would piss herself laughing if she heard him say this. He deleted all and started over.

'Commander Shepard was unlike anyone I've ever met.' Hell, everyone knows that. He deleted it again and pondered for a while.

'Commander Shepard saved many lives throughout her career. The lives of thousands on Elysium. And mine.' Oh come on, this can't be so hard. Frustrated he pushed the delete button once again.

'I should have known better,' he then typed. 'I'm sorry, Commander.'

No, he wasn't made for public speaking, and he certainly wouldn't go up on a podium in front of hundreds of people and tell them. He tossed the datapad to the side and rested his head in the palms of his hands.

The sound of the door opening made him look up. An asari stood in the door frame, uncertain whether to come in or not.

"Liara," he said.

"Joker," she replied hesitantly. "I've been meaning to speak with you."

"What about?" He asked warily. He wasn't really in the mood for another it's-all-your-fault accusation.

She still hesitated, looking nervously over her shoulder before stepping inside and closing the door. Her eyes weren't as puffy as they had been in Anderson's office. In fact, she looked torn and pale. Her behaviour was that of someone being haunted by a ghost.

"I have a question," she started slowly, cautiously.

"Okay, shoot."

"I know you blame yourself for what happened to Shepard and," she hesitated again, trying to find the right words. "If you had the chance to make it up, would you?"

He stared at her in an effort to find an answer to her question.

"I mean," she continued, "if you had the chance to bring her back, would you do everything necessary? Even risk your life?"

Joker didn't understand. "That's more than one question, Liara. You lost me at the 'bring her back' part_. _I mean, hell, she's dead. No one can come back from the dead." He couldn't really wrap his mind around what she was saying or what she actually wanted from him.

"This is all theoretically speaking," she said, wriggling her hands nervously.

"Oh, well then, sure, if I got to have some strange super power overnight that can revive people, hell yeah I'd bring her back."

"Even if this would mean risking your life?"

"Even then," he said. "But you and I know this isn't going to happen."

"Thank you, Joker."

"You asari don't have some weird spell or something that brings her back as a zombie, do you?" He raised an eyebrow.

She gave him a weak smile before disappearing through the door. Weird people, these asari. Hot looking and all, somehow like human women, only that they had blue skin, and the lack of any body hair, especially in the lower regions, was probably their best physical feature. But their behaviour? Just weird. And Liara was definitely the queen of her people's weirdness. Or king... he'd never quite figured out their whole mono-gender thing.

Joker shook his head. Yes, he would do anything, if given the chance, to bring Shepard back, but this was just impossible.

He checked the time. Not even thirteen hundred. He lay down in his bunk and crossed his arms behind his head, staring into space. He dreaded the memorial service, yet the last thing he could do for his Commander was to go there and pay his respect.

Slowly, he dozed off.

"_Hey Moreau, heard you beat the gunny in the simulator," Jenny skidded to a halt next to him. _

"_You should've seen his face," Joker said. "Told him, I'll fry that fucking toaster one day."_

"_So you're gonna fly the big lady tomorrow?" His friend asked._

"_Fuck yeah! I think that's why he's so pissed off in the first place. Because I get to fly his baby," he grinned from one ear to the other. _

_Both were in their last year at flight school and their flight instructor, Chief Powell had always taken grim pleasure in bullying Joker whenever he could. Like Joker, Jenny had grown up around ships and had always wanted to become a pilot. _

_When Joker had to take the last test in the flight simulator, he'd run his mouth just like he'd always had, about how he would beat every top score easily. The gunny had asked him if he wanted to bet on it and with the helm of the big lady being the stake, he just hadn't been able to say no. The test had been hard and tricky but he not only had scored best out of everyone in his year, he'd also beaten the top score. The gunny's sour face made up for every hour of pointless detention. _

_And tomorrow he would fly her, the SSV Sofia, an almost thirty year old Alliance cruiser, used to train soldiers in the basics of command structure and behaviour in space battle situations in a realistic environment. No recruit had ever been allowed to fly her. _

It was Parker's voice that woke him suddenly. He wasn't sure if he had slept at all but he hadn't heard the others coming back. Dozily he sat up.

"Now, Moreau," Parker appeared in front of Joker, his arm resting on Peterson's shoulder. "We wanted to break the good news to you first but you were sleeping so peacefully, we just didn't want to disturb your peace."

Joker rubbed his forehead. "What good news? No," he raised his hand. "Don't spoil my fun. Let me guess. You both finally found out that it hurts less if you use a lubricant?"

"Ha, funny," Parker snapped, "But no."

"Actually, you are talking to the new pilots of the SSV Kilimanjaro," Peterson blurted out, not making any effort to hide his pride.

"Who did you have to blow for this?" Joker snarled. He couldn't believe that two mediocre pilots like them just had been assigned to helm one of the Alliance's large dreadnoughts.

"What's the matter, Moreau?" Parker asked. "Jealous?"

"Only because you have softer lips than I do," Joker bit back.

"Fuck you," Parker shouted angrily, but his friend held him back.

"Come on, dude, let's get outta here. Time to celebrate." Peterson dragged him out of the quarters.

Joker rubbed his forehead once more, glancing at the clock. Three hours had passed. Slowly he got up. Leanne had only said 'later' but they hadn't really set a time. Nor did he know if she had to work tonight or not.

He decided to go to the Dark Star, grab a few drinks and on that occasion see if she was working. If she wasn't, he could still go by her apartment afterwards.

This time he didn't have to wait for a transit shuttle. Most soldiers on leave were already out and about the Citadel, leaving their temporary crew quarters behind to spend the few days they were given away from any military facility.

The lounge was as packed with people as the night before. Since he couldn't find any vacant table, he pushed his way through those guests that were dancing or just standing around, chatting. When he reached the bar, he was out of breath and gratefully slumped on a bar stool.

"Can I get you anything?" The turian bartender asked.

"Single malt scotch on the rocks," Joker wheezed, downing the drink as soon as the bartender had poured it. He motioned for another one.

His eyes scanned the room for Leanne but among all these people it was difficult to make out one single person.

"Is Leanne working tonight?" He asked the turian behind the counter.

"No, she quit." The bartender shrugged, then turned his attention to the other guests.

Joker furrowed his brows. He ignored his refilled drink, paid and got to his feet.

Twenty minutes later he arrived at her apartment. Its door slid open and a man appeared in front of him.

"And who are you?" He asked, raising one eyebrow and studying Joker from head to toe.

"Jeff?" Leanne pushed the man to the side and smiled shyly.

"Friend of yours?" Joker asked her, his eyes fixed on the man before him.

"That's my uncle, Alan Butler. Uncle Alan, this is Jeff," she introduced both men.

"Alliance, eh?" The former said, glancing at Joker's casual military clothes. Then he turned to Leanne. "I pick you up in an hour. Make sure, you're ready."

"Nice guy. Very... charming." Joker said sarcastically, watching Alan Butler hurry down the dark hallway.

"Sorry, he's no big fan of the Alliance," Leanne said in an apologizing tone. "Wanna come in?"

Joker stepped inside of her small apartment and stopped in his tracks.

"What's this?" He nodded his head towards two bags and a couple of crates, standing on the floor. "Are you packing?"

The young woman shifted uncomfortably.

"I am," she said finally. "My uncle and his wife live in the Terminus Systems. He wants me to leave the Citadel and go with him."

"Oh, okay," was all Joker could say. For some reason, his mouth felt dry and his heart was beating at a strangely quick rate. "I guess, I should let you finish packing then," he croaked and turned around to leave.

Leanne stepped between him and the door.

"Look, I'm really sorry. I... it's just they are the only family I have left and my uncle wanted me to live with them ever since the geth attack." She shrugged helplessly. "There's not much that holds me here, you know? I don't wanna be a waitress for the rest of my life."

"No, really, it's okay. You don't have to explain..." he began but she silenced him by putting a finger on his lips.

"I wish, I'd met you sooner." Her voice cracked as tears began to well up in her eyes.

"It's not all beer and skittles, you know?" He shrugged. "Guess, I see..."

She kissed him.

"... you around." He finished his sentence when they parted. For a brief moment he considered tossing his crutches to the side and pulling her into another kiss but something held him back.

"I better go," he said, limping slowly out of her apartment. He didn't look back when the door closed with the familiar swooshing sound.

Joker knew, he had just met her but for some reason he felt as if something had been taken from him, yet he couldn't exactly say what it was.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks to my betas Buggirl and Nightodie, and especially Nightodie for helping me keep Kaidan in character. I know, my first attempts of writing this particular scene made you all upset. I'm finally happy with how it turned out. And I think, it's even much stronger now. The song, Joker sings to himself is "Still Counting" by Volbeat. Came up on my iTunes while I was writing and somehow I felt it was so fitting, so I included it. Lyrics belong of course to the amazing band, Volbeat.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

A gigantic display of Shepard towered over the heads of the crowd. Her look was stern, her blue eyes staring at something on the horizon, outside of the picture. The N7 logo on her chest glistened in the light. A pistol in her right hand, while she flared up her biotics and clenched her left hand into a fist. Powerful, strong, immovable.

Alliance soldiers of all ranks had gathered in front of a podium that had been placed underneath the large display. They were joined by the members of the newly formed Council, as well as ambassadors and representatives of all species. Many had come to pay their last respect to Commander Shepard. In the first row, on the far left sat her team and the survivors of the Normandy's crew. Joker sat between Dr. Chakwas and Garrus, who had seated himself on the chair by the aisle. Next to Chakwas were Liara, then Kaidan and Tali with the only two engineers that had survived the attack. In the middle sat Captain Anderson with Admiral Hackett to his right and the other high-ranking Alliance officers. The Council members sat on the far right.

Councilor Udina walked up on the Podium and stopped in front of a microphone. He cleared his throat, before he began to speak.

"We have gathered here today, to pay our respects to Commander Shepard." He made a dramatic pause. "Commander Shepard was no common soldier. She was remarkable. Her ..."

Joker stopped listening. This man made him sick to his stomach and he heard Garrus snort disapprovingly every now and then, showing that the turian felt the same way. It was as if Udina was mocking the deceased. He had never liked the Commander very much, and hadn't made a secret about it either.

When Udina had finished, the new asari councilor took his place, talking about loss for the galactic community. The salarian and turian councilor followed, pretty much saying the same and honoring her effort in the fight against Saren and the geth.

Garrus snorted once more, looking down at his turian hands that were both clenched into fists. The long line of Alliance members that followed, seemed endless. Captain Anderson was last.

"When I was given command over the SSV Normandy, I chose each and every member of my crew carefully. I didn't just go by recommendations, their experience or achievements in combat. No, I invited those I hadn't worked with before to a personal briefing and I would decide afterwards, if they had the potential to serve on my ship."

"_Captain Anderson, Sir!" Joker saluted. _

"_At ease, Lieutenant. Please, have a seat." The Captain motioned for him to sit down. _

"_Thank you, Sir." _

"_I assume, you know why you're here, Lieutenant?"_

"_Captain Dah recommended me as your new pilot, Sir." _

"_I usually don't give a vorcha's ass about recommendations, but in your case I'll make an exception. Jill is an old friend of mine." He leaned back in his seat. "Regarding your abilities as a pilot she not only speaks highly of you, but she also told me that you like to run a big mouth, ignoring all protocols and superior officers."_

"_That depends on the officers," Joker said before adding, "Sir."_

"_Explain," Anderson insisted with a smirk. _

"_If I've helmed a ship once, I know how it reacts. And if there's a slight drift to the left, then I know it. I don't need a navigator telling me that I'm wrong." _

_The Captain seemed amused. "The SSV Normandy is different than any other Alliance vessel you have ever helmed." _

"_I know, Sir. But this is why you need the best pilot in the fleet and that's where I enter the scene." _

"Although Shepard's profile has always been publicly available," Anderson's speech startled him out of his thoughts. "Not everyone knows that she grew up on Mindoir. After the slaughter of her family she escaped with nothing but the clothes she was wearing. And unlike most of the other survivors, she didn't give in to hatred. No, she became a stronger person, using those horrible events as her personal fuel to do justice and protect others. The reputation she had gained during the Skyllian Blitz preceded her, but I wanted to see for myself. It was this personal briefing where I first met her. The woman that entered my office was strong, self-confident and polite. I knew in that moment, that she would be my XO and as we all know, later on, she was given command over the Normandy in the hunt for Saren. It is thanks to her, that all of us are here today. Her loss is not just a loss for the galactic community or the Alliance Systems Military but a personal loss to me and to each of her friends. I will miss her. Her friendly personality, her diplomacy, her humour, her courage and her unbroken loyalty for all of us." Anderson looked at the team in the front row. "Good bye, Shepard. You'll be greatly missed but never forgotten." He turned around, facing Shepard's display and saluted. "Semper fi, my friend." Then he stepped down from the podium.

"Semper fi," Chakwas, Joker and Kaidan murmured in one united voice with many other marines.

When the ceremony was declared to be officially over, people began to rise from their chairs. Joker remained seated, his eyes staring at the large display. He still sat there long after everyone had left.

"Joker," Anderson sat down on the chair next to him.

"She would have hated it," he simply said, his eyes still fixed on Shepard's picture.

"I know. She'd never liked events like this." The Captain agreed.

"If I believed in God, I'd say she's sitting on some cloud, shaking her head over all the fuss the brass is making, but," he laughed sadly, "we're on a fucking space station. There aren't any clouds she could sit on." Tears started streaming down his cheeks.

"Don't blame yourself, Joker," Anderson said. "We're soldiers and we were taught that if we make a decision, we have to live with the consequences. I've lost many soldiers under my command."

"You're a Captain. You give orders and you know that some of them mean certain death for us. I'm only a god damn pilot. I never have to decide who lives and who dies. How could I've known that..." His voice cracked.

"You're a damn good pilot, Joker. If it wasn't for your skills, only half of the Normandy's crew would have made it out alive. Don't beat yourself up over this."

"I'm not just damn good," Joker replied in an effort to regain his countenance. "I'm the best pilot in the fleet." Stubbornly, he wiped his tears away. "Sir!" He added.

"Come on," Anderson tapped him on the shoulder. "I could use a drink."

"Captain Anderson." Admiral Hackett's voice came from the right, when Joker and Anderson pushed their way through the crowd towards the exit outside of the ceremony hall. "Can I have a quick word with you?"

Anderson nodded briefly.

"It's alright, I'll just... wait," Joker said.

Both men walked to the far end of the room, before they started a heated discussion over something, Joker couldn't hear. He looked around.

_'Counting all the assholes in the room, well I'm definitely not alone'_ he began singing to himself under his breath.

He looked at the Council members. _'Well, I'm not alone.'_

His eyes fell on Udina. _'You're a liar, you're a cheater, you're a fool...'_

He kept looking around. _'But that's just like me, yoo-hoo. And I know you, too.'_

His gaze found Kaidan. _'Mr. Perfect don't exist my little friend, and I tell you that again. And I do it again.'_

_'Counting all the assholes in the room, well I'm definitely not alone.'_

"Excuse me, Sir. Would you like a drink?" A waiter walking among the people with a tray of glasses asked, interrupting Joker's singing.

He wordlessly took one of the offered drinks and waited for the man to disappear.

_'Well, I'm not alone, zaah!'_ He downed the drink.

"Joker." Liara stood behind him.

"Hey, Liara."

"I've come to say good bye." She said in a low voice.

An expression of surprise came over Joker's face. "You going back to your prothean ruins?"

"Not quite. I'll be looking for a friend in the Terminus Systems." She said. Just like the day before, she acted nervously, glancing over her shoulders every now and then, almost whispering every word.

"I also have a gift for you." She handed him a small box.

"Uhm, Liara, that wasn't necessary." He was baffled. "Do you mind?" He gave her his glass and balanced the small package in the crook of his arm, against which he had already leaned his second crutch.

"We could have done this creepy black eye thing you asari do," he joked while he clumsily tried to open the box with one hand. "You know, when you embrace eternity and all and... oh, Liara."

Inside of the box lay a new cap, dark grey with a broad, white stripe going from the back all the way to the front of the bill. Overwhelmed and speechless, he looked at her.

"You looked so lost without a hat," she said. "You were still trying to adjust it even though it's not there anymore."

"Thank you," he placed the cap on top of his head and hugged her. "The Terminus Systems are a dangerous place to go. I hope your friend is worth it." He said.

"This friend is worth everything." Liara's expression turned from nervousness to determination. "Even risking my life. Good bye, Joker."

Startled, he stared after her until she disappeared among the people

"New cap?" Tali asked from behind.

Joker spun around. "Gift from Liara," he replied, tapping his hat.

"She's been acting strangely, don't you think?" The quarian asked.

"She's an asari, it's in her nature." He grinned.

"Captain Anderson, that was a very moving speech," Tali said to the approaching Captain. "I've tried to prepare a speech myself, but somehow everything I came up with seemed not to be good enough." She fumbled nervously with her fingers.

"It's okay, Tali." Anderson said. "I'm sure, the Commander knew how much she's meant to all of you."

"I hope so," the quarian whispered.

"What are your plans now?" Joker asked her.

"I'll return to the flotilla to end my pilgrimage," she replied. "Shepard's helped me a lot with collecting data about the geth. I hope it is enough to be accepted into a ship's crew."

"Hey, you showed the whole galaxy how much quarians can kick ass, they better welcome you back with a parade and confetti." Joker grinned.

"I'm afraid, this is not how it works," she said in a serious tone. "But thank you."

When her figure disappeared from their view, both men slowly left the room.

An hour later, they sat at the Dark Star's bar, ordering drinks.

"They won't let me fly again, eh?" Joker asked, sipping his scotch.

Anderson stared into space, swirling his drink. "It's not going to look like they will," he replied. "I'm doing the best I can, but I have no say in this." He looked down. "They're stonewalling me. Everywhere. Your disobeying a direct order will only be their official excuse, though."

Joker snorted. "So it's because I've never kept my mouth shut?"

"For the past weeks the Council and the Alliance's been busy sealing all records about Sovereign's attack. Officially, the Reapers don't exist." Grimly, he downed his drink.

"Bet, they're glad, Shepard is out of the way now," Joker snapped. "They're using us to piss on her grave."

"That's politics for you," Anderson replied dryly.

"I hate politics," Joker sighed, taking another sip.

"_Why did you recommend that slimy bastard?" he stared at the Commander in disbelief. "I mean, hello-ho. The Council asks you for a candidate and you pick this... this..." Joker couldn't even finish his sentence. _

"_Udina is an asshole but after all, he's a politician. Anderson is a soldier. He'd never be happy being part of the Council." Shepard replied. "Just imagine the Captain having to deal with elcor diplomats all day. He'd go crazy." She laughed. _

"_Alright, I get it. You got a mean streak, Commander," he smirked. "Is that your way of punishing backstabbers?" _

"_If their name's Donnell Udina, yeah!" She grinned widely. _

"_Elcor are weird," Joker changed the topic. "The way they talk and all? Freaky. Who was that elcor diplomat you mentioned? That client of the Consort's?" _

"_Uh... Xeltan, I think." _

"_So, why did he go to the Consort? I guess, not only because he liked what she sang to him," Joker chuckled. _

"_Joker!" Shepard shook her head, laughing. _

"_Oh come on, don't tell me, you've never asked this yourself?" Joker teased, then his voice became mono-tone. "With great pleasure, no woman has ever touched me there before."_

_The Commander sat in the chair next to the pilot's seat and laughed, till her eyes were filled with tears. _

"_Insistingly, please, don't stop," she managed to burst out. _

"_Highly aroused, yes, yes... oh god, yes." _

_Both sat in their chairs laughing and joking about the elcor, when a message from the fifth fleet interrupted them. It had been one of the few rare times he had seen her so relaxed and outside of her usual Commander behaviour. _

Joker ordered another drink.

He spent the next four days in the Dark Star by himself. Two days after Shepard's memorial service, he received his new official assignment and although he hadn't really had any high hopes, the result had been quite deflating. Sure, it had been nicely worded but he hadn't even bothered to read it twice since the nice words basically told him that he'd screwed up and his ass would be sent back to Arcturus Station for a desk job. He found it ironic, that the same day Anderson and Alenko received their promotion to Admiral and Lieutenant Commander. The latter had always been a career guy anyway and Joker was convinced that it wouldn't take long until they made him Staff Commander. Anderson was stuck at the Citadel for his Admiral duties while Alenko left only a couple of hours after receiving the promotion and his new assignment.

"_Congrats, Commander," Joker said in a sarcastic tone. _

"_Thank you, Lieutenant," Kaidan replied. _

"_At least one of the old team gets to kick some major Reaper asses." _

"_Dismissed, Lieutenant," Kaidan glared at him and turned around to leave. _

"_What's the matter, Alenko?" Joker shouted after him. "Pissed, that she turned you down and rather spent her free time with Garrus?" He knew perfectly well, that he was crossing a line here but he had always liked Kaidan until that night before Ilos, when the Lieutenant had gone to Shepard's cabin and returned only a couple minutes later, his head red as a tomato. _

_Ever since that night, Kaidan hadn't been the same. He remembered the big fuss he had made about dropping the mako when they finally arrived on Ilos. All of the crew had known, that Alenko and Liara had felt more for the Commander than just simple friendship. But instead, Shepard had spent most of her sleepless nights down in the cargo hold, talking to the turian. _

_Kaidan stopped dead in his tracks and turned around, slowly. _

"_What did you just say?" _

"_You heard me," Joker snarled. "Bet you didn't expect her to turn you down for a turian." _

_Kaidan closed the distance between them with a couple of quick steps and stood his nose nearly touching Joker's. _

"_Do you have any problem, Flight Lieutenant?" He asked, his voice shaking with anger. _

"_In fact, I do, Lieutenant Commander," Joker glared at him. He had him. He found a grim pleasure in Kaidan's suffering._

"_Speak your mind," Kaidan said, holding his gaze. _

"_You think I didn't hear you? 'Joker's still in the cockpit'" He mocked. "'And I'm not leaving either.' What's it feel like to know you left her behind?" _

"_You're pushing it, Joker." It took all his strength to keep his voice calm. _

"_Guess it's easy to put all the blame on me, isn't it? The stubborn cripple who doesn't follow orders." _

"_Fuck you." Kaidan hissed through gritted teeth, his hands clenching into fists until his knuckles turned white. _

"_Do it Kaidan. We're all alone. No one can see you." _

_Kaidan's brown eyes glared at him. Joker had never seen him so angry. _

"_Come on." He shouted. "Punch the guy who killed her. I know you want to." _

_Kaidan took two steps backwards, away from Joker, and relaxed his hands. He looked down and shook his head. Then he looked at the man before him. _

"_This is not how she would have wanted it. We lost her. If you want to blame yourself, fine, do it. I'm done here." He turned around and walked away. _

_Joker stood frozen to the spot, looking after Kaidan even after he had disappeared from his view. _

He downed his drink and ordered the next. It would be another long night.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: And again, a big thanks to Buggirl and Nightodie who helped me keep Kaidan in character and bring out Joker's anger the way I wanted to. :) I'm truly blessed to have you guys as my beta. Since this chapter contains sexual content, I also changed the summary of the story. If you feel offended easily, don't read any further.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

The time ticked slowly away and Joker tried his best to focus on the terminal in front of him. Like every day for the past two months, he was sitting at a desk in a small booth, typing numbers from flight recorder readings into a terminal. It was one of the many ungrateful tasks he had been assigned to do ever since his arrival on Arcturus Station. Frustrated, he stared at the screen. Firewalls and all kinds of other silly security settings didn't even allow him to check his emails. Not that he received any that were worth checking anyway, but he hated being cut off from the rest of the galaxy for ten hours a day. Not to mention all his extranet bookmarks he missed out on.

Only five minutes left until his shift ended. Joker shut off the terminal and got to his feet. He didn't share the determination most of his 'co-workers' seemed to have about this job. But unlike them, he was grounded here. They were either natural-born number-pushers, that came in every morning puking their happy-sunshine mood into everyone's face, or soldiers that had been wounded during battles. Modern medicine made a lot of things possible but they couldn't regrow extremities. So usually after a long day of pointless thumb-twiddling, a limping group emerged from the big doors four levels down and spilled out on the plaza in front of the building.

He had no idea what the Alliance told the others but they all wore a big smile at the end of the day. Happy to still be serving and doing their part to keep the military up and running. Joker snorted at the irony of it all.

Every day, they would go home to their little wifeys and kids, their perfect little families, read bedside stories at twenty-hundred and then watch the galactic news fifteen minutes later. Similarly, every day, he would go to Bill's, a small, shabby bar in the lower districts, check the extranet, and drink himself into oblivion until his alarm clock kicked him out of bed the next morning, his brain lacking any memory of how he'd made his way home safely in the first place. On their days off, they would take the public shuttles to some other star system, maybe even the Citadel, to make museum trips, visit relatives or just get off the station. On his days off, he'd wake up next to a woman whose name he couldn't even remember, only to return to his small, quiet apartment for a cold shower and to sleep off his hangover until he was clear enough to go back to Bill's, order another bottle of booze and start all over again.

So just like every day, he entered the dimly lit bar, sat down at the extranet terminal on the right with a clear view of the strippers on the far end and logged into his mail account. One of the topless waitresses brought him a bottle of cheap scotch and he finished his second glass while skimming through his emails. He read again, the message from his mother, the one that he still hadn't replied to. Emails about lasting longer in the sack, increasing your chances with the opposite sex, or your own, if you sailed on that side of the river. Stuff, he always deleted without ever reading. He selected one, clicked 'move to trash', selected the next, 'move to trash'. Selecting all to delete would be easier but he had plenty of time to kill and was in no hurry whatsoever.

An encrypted message from an unknown sender nearly ended up in the trash folder as well, but he hesitated before clicking on it.

_Received: 19:42 / Secure Comm Buoy #8472 / Encrypted / #2847 - DA - 142  
Sender: Lt. Commander Kaidan Alenko_

_Joker, _

_I've been meaning to write you sooner but my current assignment doesn't allow extranet access on a regular basis. _

_I wanted to talk about what happened before I left. And to apologize for what I said after our rescue. I know you blame yourself for Shepard's death and I had no right to rub it into your face that day. You were right, I know it's my fault, too. I never should have let her go to the cockpit alone to help you. I never should have followed that order. _

_I'm sorry, Joker. I really am. _

_Kaidan_

Joker stared at the screen and blinked, before he read the message for a second time, then a third. Was this supposed to give him some kind of comfort or make him feel better? Did Kaidan think he could even guess how it felt?

A rational voice in the far back of his mind tried to remind him, that he had provoked Kaidan, had dug into wounds that hadn't even started to heal. But listening to rational thoughts had never been his best talent. Especially not now, that the alcohol had already showed its effects.

Angrily he clicked the reply-button and started to type.

_Alenko, _

_You know what? Screw you! I don't care where you are or what super-important, secret stuff you're doing. Yeah, I screwed up big time and I'm paying the price for it every day. If I could change anything, believe me, I would. But I can't so spare me with your crap. I don't need your fucking sympathy. You don't know shit about how I feel so don't you fucking dare compare yourself to me. _

_Joker_

He sent the message and logged out of his account. He had wanted to check his bookmarks but he shut off the terminal and grabbed his credit-chit, knocking over the bottle of scotch.

"Ah, shit," he cursed, when the bottle dropped to the floor and broke.

"Don't worry, I'll clean that up for you," one of the waitresses said, hurrying off and returning only a minute later with a bucket and a cloth.

"Nothing witty today?" She asked while she knelt next to him on the floor.

"Not in the mood," he muttered.

"Well that's new," she smirked. She straightened up and sat back on her heels. "You never look into my eyes and today I'm sitting here half-naked rubbing the floor and you're not in the mood?"

Joker ignored her.

"So what gets you in the mood?" She asked, placing a hand on his knee, slowly moving it up his thigh.

"Whatever shuts you up," he snapped, but then he looked at her. "Got an idea for that, though." He grinned.

Ten minutes later, his backside leaned uncomfortably against a crate in a dark alleyway, while his hands squeezed two soft breasts and his lips nibbled at the waitress's right earlobe. Given that she was about to use her mouth for something other than talking, he refrained from kissing her lips. He didn't know who'd been using her before him. Her fingers unbuttoned and unzipped his pants faster than he'd expected and when she slid one hand underneath the fabric, he groaned loudly. His lips found her nipples, sucked and bit first one, then the other while her hands stroked him. He moved his right hand up to her neck to push her rather savagely into a kneeling position. She showed no signs of resistance, but even if she did, he wouldn't care. His eyes were fixed on her as her tongue drew slow circles around his tip, sending electric shock-waves through his whole body, holding his breath, when her lips closed around it. She knew what she was doing. Her hands stroked his shaft on conjunction with the constant back and forth of her mouth, while her tongue swirled around him every now and then. The way he leaned against the crate prevented him from just thrusting into her mouth. Instead, his hand pulled her head towards him and then let go so she could move back, in a constant rhythm. Soon he felt the familiar tightening in his balls and the building tension in his stomach, and he saw no reason to hold back. Nor to warn her. Another stroke of her hands and the sensation spread from his stomach all over his body, when he released over her lips and her chin.

The sensation wore off too quickly for his own liking. He didn't feel lighter or more relaxed than he usually did, but he felt less angry than before.

"That's what I call customer service," he breathed heavily, when her face appeared at eye-level again and he fastened his pants.

"Now you know why they say, tip your waitress." She wiped his body fluids off her face and looked at him, expectantly. He retrieved a hundred-fifty credits from his back-pocket and gave it to her.

"Always nice to do business with you," she grinned, stuffing the credits into her own pocket. "You wanna come in for another drink?" She asked, nodding in the direction of the bar.

"Nah, guess I'm calling it a day," Joker shook his head.

"Alright, see ya," she turned around and hustled away. He waited until the clacking sound of her high-heels vanished when she entered Bill's. Then he checked his appearance in his own reflection in the dark window of an abandoned shop and slowly walked out of the alleyway.

He took a taxi shuttle back to his apartment. He walked past two guards at the entrance of the big apartment complex, who straightened up as he came into their view and then relaxed back against the walls of the small sentry post, once he had turned around the corner of the building's entrance. Silently, the doors slid open and he limped over to the elevator. His apartment was on the ninth floor, four doors to the left. It was small, and although he had moved in two months ago, he hadn't bothered to unpack. Not that he had many things to unpack anyway. A holo of the Normandy's entire crew stood on the small desk next to a holo of his mother. Two old issues of Fornax lay on the bedside table. But all the rest of his belongings were still inside three crates.

Joker entered and waited for the light to turn on as the door closed behind him. A figure rose from a chair by the window.

"Holy crap," Joker shouted surprised, stumbling backwards against the wall.

"Mr. Moreau," the man said.

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm sorry for invading your privacy. My name is Jason Stark." He stepped towards Joker and looked at him. He was tall, had dark brown hair and light brown eyes. The suit he was wearing was a fine fabric, black with dark-red velvet around the collar and the cuffs.

"What the...?" Joker stared at him. "This... when... how did you get in here?" He made a mental note to give the guards outside a verbal roundhouse kick.

"I have my ways," Stark replied coolly. "Like I said, I'm sorry that I had to break into your apartment. I was looking for you at Bill's but," he cleared his throat before he continued. "You seemed a little busy. I figured, it was more appropriate to wait here instead."

Joker had no idea what the man was talking about nor what he wanted from him, but if he'd been looking for him at the bar and had seen him busy, this must mean he had followed him into the alleyway.

"Why were you looking for me?" He asked, trying to push the growing feeling of embarrassment away.

"I have an offer for you, Mr. Moreau," Stark said, sitting down on the chair again. A glass containing a clear brown fluid stood before him. Joker realized, that the intruder had helped himself to a drink from his private reserves.

"Sorry, I'm not into that kinky stuff." He tried to sound casually but a slight shaking in his voice couldn't hide that he felt more than uncomfortable.

"Mr. Moreau," Stark shook his head. "I work for an organization that seeks people with certain skills for their business. Skills like yours. You are an outstanding pilot, one of the best, or so I've heard. This is why I'm here.

"I've already got a job," Joker snapped.

"We have learned that the Alliance has no plans of ever letting you fly a ship again, is that correct?"

He nodded slowly.

"It must be very frustrating for you to spend the better part of the day working at a desk, creating flight statistics of Alliance vessels that are, don't get me wrong, outdated."

"Have you been spying on me?" Joker asked. He didn't like this guy at all. The way he had made himself comfortable in _his _apartment, angered him.

"We have been looking for you and of course, we have been keeping track of your latest activities, in your every day life or on the extranet."

Joker inhaled sharply.

"So you've been spying on me." He stated matter of factly.

"Mr. Moreau." Stark took the glass from the table and sipped his drink thoughtfully, as if he was contemplating what to say next. "My boss will brief you on all details if you agree to work for us. We need a pilot. Not just any pilot or a good pilot. We need the best pilot. This is why we want you."

He stood up and faced Joker, who opened his mouth to protest. Stark raised one hand to silence him.

"You may want to consider our offer, once you have learned about its details and," he looked at the crutches. "Its benefits."

"Who are you working for?" Joker asked. A knot in stomach had begun to tighten up.

"I'm sure you have heard of us before, Cerberus." Stark said.

Joker felt as if someone had punched him in the face, his stomach and his balls at the same time and now he didn't know which spot to grab first to stop the ache.

"You gotta be kidding me," he gasped. "I'll never work for Cerberus."

"I understand your hesitation given that you've been part of Commander Shepard's team. She took out more than one of our facilities in the past, but I can assure you, that this would be in her interest as well."

Another invisible punch hit him in all three regions of his bodies.

"What... the Commander? I don't understand." Joker was at a loss for words, unable to wrap his mind around what the man before him was saying.

"Well, neither the Alliance nor the Council are taking the Reaper threat seriously. On the contrary, they are publicly denying their existence. I'm sure, this is not what Shepard wanted."

Joker snorted. "You think Cerberus knows what Shepard would have wanted?" Joker glared at Stark, shaking with anger.

"Indeed, we do. The Alliance and the Council can't be trusted. The Reapers are out there. They're coming. You know that, Shepard knew it and we know that humanity must be prepared for their attack. We need to take actions now before it is too late. Cerberus has cutting edge technology at their command. As well as the newest ships in the galaxy." He retrieved a datapad from his suit's inside pocket and placed it on the table. "Cerberus is not waiting until it is too late."

Slowly, his words invaded Joker's brain. Breaking through his resistance, they started to make sense.

"Cerberus is preparing to meet this challenge and we are collecting the best individuals to help us. We want you and we want you to consider our offer," he said, walking towards the door. "You will find everything you need to know in there. Now, if you'll excuse me." He nodded briefly and then he disappeared through the door.

"_Joker, link us into the next comm buoy and send a message to the fifth fleet. Tell them to send a ship to the following coordinates to pick up Rear Admiral Kahoku's body." _

_Shepard sounded drained and her face looked pale. _

"_Aye, Commander." _

_While he waited for the comm buoy to respond, he looked at her. "What happened down there?" _

_She rubbed her forehead. "Cerberus. I swear, those are sick bastards. I don't know what they were doing in these labs. Looked like they were trying to create some sort of super-soldier." She shuddered. "I guess... I'd better finish my mission report so you can send it to the fleet as well." Shepard turned and headed off. _

_Fifteen minutes later, a beeping tone signaled him that they were connected to the comm buoy. He sent the message and the mission report that she had forwarded him. When another beep confirmed the successful data transfer, he logged them out and peeked over his shoulder. He was alone on the helm, so he typed a few commands into his console to override the security protocols and the mission report appeared on his screen. Pictures of rachni workers, creepers and Kahoku's body flashed before him. The body covered with needle marks. What had Cerberus done to him?_

No way he would work for them. Shepard would turn over in her grave, if he even considered.

He walked over to his bed and lay down, not even bothering to take off his clothes. He felt more tired than ever before and only a few minutes later his mind had drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Seven hours later he woke suddenly. He sat up and looked around the room. A glance at the clock told him, that it wasn't even 05:00 yet.

Slowly, he got out of bed and turned on the light, walking into the bathroom. A shower seemed right about now. He undressed and stepped under the water. After a while, his tense muscles seemed to relax, but he stood for another twenty minutes until he turned the tap off.

He made himself a coffee, maybe this would help him get rid of this strange feeling. Thoughts of Cerberus and Stark's offer kept coming to the surface.

No he would never work for them. This datapad, laying on the table was evidence that it hadn't been a dream. This Stark had been real. Had broken into his apartment, had offered him a job with... _them._ They had been watching him, spied on him only to make him this offer.

What did they think he was? A traitor?

He took a sip of his coffee and burnt his lip. "Shit," he put the cup down and glared at the datapad.

Stark had been right. The Alliance and the Council were both ignoring the Reaper threat. Shepard had been pissed off about this as much as everyone else in the crew. After everything they had done. Hell, they had saved the entire galaxy and they didn't even get a handshake, just a mere kick out of the backdoor. Instead, the politicians chose to seal the records, to silence every voice. Would he be a traitor if he stepped in for the cause? Even if that meant working for an organization like Cerberus?

"Ah, fuck it," he limped over to the small table by the window and picked up the datapad. Couldn't hurt to at least read what they had to say.

_CERBERUS - PROJECT LAZARUS  
CERBERUS PROVIDES: _

_- transfer to its own facilities, exact location will be announced once offer has been accepted  
- living-quarters on operation base and every Cerberus facility  
- private, secure account for all credit transfers  
- private, unlimited extranet access  
- detailed briefing with project leader once offer has been accepted_

_SPECIFIC DETAILS FOR JEFFREY MOREAU: _

_- pilot for Project Lazarus, ship is currently being constructed  
- during construction, pilot for Cerberus missions in the Terminus Systems  
- monthly payment, 5,000 credits  
- cover of all expenses related to Cerberus activities  
- personal briefing with person in charge  
- medical examination  
- possibility to improve personal medical condition_

Joker read the last line twice. What was that supposed to mean? He swallowed hard. They offered him quite a lot. Not only would he earn more money than he did now, but he would fly again, not just regular ships from what he could see. His eyes skimmed through the detailed technical ship data that was listed below the offer-section.

But this last line... _improve personal medical condition..._

"Nah." He tossed the datapad to the side and walked back to the counter to finish his coffee. He wasn't seriously considering their offer, was he?


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: As always a big thank you to Buggirl and Nightodie for their help and inspiration. Oh and in case I haven't said it before, reviews are appreciated =)

* * *

**Chapter 6**

For nine hours, Joker's eyes stared at the terminal, while his hands moved automatically over the console, typing numbers and confirming calculation commands. They only paused when the screen flickered to replace the saved filed with a new and empty spreadsheet.

Not even a lunch break interrupted this repetitive process. The Cuppa Joe he had bought this morning, stood cold and forgotten behind the pile of datapads. But while his body functioned, repeating step, after step, after step, his brain was stuck in a loop. The frustration he had felt for the past two months had been pushed to the farthest corner of his mind. Instead, two things went back and forth inside of his head: the offer Cerberus had made him, and thoughts of what Shepard would say, if she knew that he was considering accepting.

One thing he knew for sure was that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life at a desk, doing a job anyone with a brain the size of a peanut could do. He missed flying. As uncomfortable as those seats had been, he'd trade this lousy desk and the crappy terminal anytime just to be a pilot again. He wouldn't even mind some egocentric superior officers or annoying navigators second-guessing each of his actions.

Liara had run off to the Terminus Systems to risk her life for a friend. Kaidan was still part of the Alliance. He may not be fighting Reapers but at least he was doing _something._ Garrus had gone back to C-Sec. Damn, Joker would have joined C-Sec. After the devastating loss of hundreds of officers, they were recruiting whoever was willing to join, but he wasn't even able to hold a gun properly without falling over. What exactly quarians did, he could not say, but he was convinced that Tali was most likely not stuck behind some desk. She was probably salvaging some ancient ship for its parts to build a new one, or analyzing the geth data she had gotten from Shepard. Her role probably was pivotal to her people finding a way to recapture their homeworld.

Sure, he had said he would do anything necessary to make up for his mistake, but right now, he was about to finish his umpteenth statistic about the average fuel consumption of Alliance frigates. Tomorrow he would make another one about how much toilet paper supplies a dreadnought needed. He wouldn't be surprised if they asked him some day, to calculate the exact amount of poop breaks every soldier took during their military service.

No, this wasn't really the way to make up for his mistake. Shepard was dead. He couldn't care less if anybody else thought he was a traitor. They didn't give a flying shit about him anyway.

Joker sighed and looked at the time. One hour left. He shut off the terminal and got to his feet, moving towards the elevator.

"Lieutenant, where are you going?"

Captain Henriquez stepped out of his office and looked at him, waiting for an answer.

"Home," Joker said, neither turning around nor slowing down.

"You're on duty for another hour, Lieutenant."

"No, I'm not," Joker said, stepping inside the elevator and looking at a baffled Captain until the doors slid close.

He didn't know if he was making the right decision. Once he'd left the military, there would be no going back. At least not for him. Most of his life he had been a soldier and a pilot. He had sworn loyalty to the Alliance and pledged to serve. Working for Cerberus was against everything he had believed in, but lately, his beliefs had been shaken to the core.

_Joker stared into space. It wasn't the reports on the news screen about Commander Shepard still being missing that kept him from chewing and swallowing the last bite of his lunch, but the conversation between Henry Jackson and Mark Baker, who were both seated on his table in the large mess hall of the Flight Analytics Center. _

"_I bet she ran off with some guy and now lives on a beach," Henry said, sipping his Tupari and looking at the screen that cross-faded from a reporter to footage of a press conference. "Probably got tired of all the crap." _

_Mark snorted and shook his head. "Nah, my guess is that she's gone rogue just like that Saren bloke." _

"_But why would they still use her image for the recruitment ads, if she did?" Henry asked, leaning back in his chair. _

"_Well, it would look suspicious, wouldn't it? If they removed her face of all the banners, people would start asking questions. And they can't say she's dead either, in case someone sees her. So it's way more convenient to say she went MIA." _

"_I don't know, man. Hey Captain, what do you think?" Henry asked their superior who was walking by and nodded his head towards them. "Did Shepard run off with her boy toy to live happily ever after or has she turned her back on the Council like Saren?" _

"_Actually, rumour has it, that she's dead," Captain Henriquez said. "But to be honest, if she really was, you'd expect the Alliance and the Council to broadcast it everywhere."_

"_My point exactly," Mark nodded. "Something's not right about this. I say, she's gone rogue. Every Spectre does that sooner or later." _

"_Now, Lieutenant, not all Spectres are the same. Don't forget what she'd done on Elysium," Henriquez said. _

"_Oh, I certainly don't, Sir. I had friends there. But maybe the success has gone to her head." Mark shrugged. "All the special rights she had, being above the law and stuff, this has 'renegade' written all over it." _

"_She's the first human Spectre. Wouldn't look too good for humanity, if the woman who killed Saren, went down the same road." The Captain said thoughtfully. Then he nodded briefly, before he walked off. _

"_You comin', Jeff?" Mark and Henry rose from their chairs, turning to leave as well, but Joker only shook his head. Their words echoed in his ears. He had sat on his chair, every fibre of his body numb. Every cell of his brain tried to wrap itself around what had just been said. Was this really the public opinion? _

That day, he hadn't cared that he had returned to his desk thirty minutes late. Nor that he had to work overtime to make up for his late arrival.

He just didn't want to work for these people any longer than necessary. People, who thought this way about Shepard. The Alliance had turned their back on her and now he would turn his back on them.

He refused to just sit around calculating numbers while waiting for the extinction of every organic life form in the galaxy. Rather he wanted to die in an epic space battle against the Reapers. Shepard could still kick his ass in the afterlife. Although he doubted, she'd get the chance. He'd probably end up in hell anyway, no way she would.

A taxi shuttle took him to Bill's and he entered the dim bar earlier than usual. But even at this time of the day, everyone seemed to be going about their normal business: drinking, watching the strippers, hooking up with waitresses or watching vids on the extranet channels. Some of those guests usually sneaked off later, to a dark place with one of the girls, or to the restrooms for a quick release.

Joker looked around, but only spotted the usual suspects. The old, chubby guy in one corner, nearly passing out over his second bottle of booze. A couple of men were near the dancers, cheering and whistling. Another man on the left, trying to seduce a woman who didn't seem to be so sober herself anymore.

Cerberus wanted to recruit him and the datapad, they had given him, contained all kinds of information, yet they had failed to include any contact details.

He sat down at the terminal and ordered a drink, then slid his credit-chit into the slot and waited for value confirmation. His mail account didn't look any different from the day before. He took his time deleting all unwanted messages: no, he was quite content with the size of his penis and the duration of his performances, thanks.

Then he opened a new message and typed out his resignation. Three simple lines and a click on 'send' were all it took to end the military career of Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau. When the confirmation about the successful transmission popped up on the screen, he toasted himself and took a sip from his scotch.

For a minute, he brooded over Kaidan's message. Maybe his reaction had been a bit too harsh. After all, Kaidan had been his friend and his apology had been sincere, but he deleted it and rubbed his forehead. He would deal with that some other time.

Right now, there was only one person, he still owed a reply. Joker selected his mother's mail and read it again.

_My dear Jeffrey, _

_When I received the message about the destruction of the Normandy, I thought, all my nightmares had become real. I am so glad that you are alive. How are you holding up my boy? _

_It must be hard for you. I know you loved the Normandy and I'm sure, your new ship can't compare at all, but you're strong and you will make the best out of it. After all, flying is flying, right?_

_I met Mrs. Weaver the other day. You probably remember her son Billy? He dropped out of school in your last year. She always had trouble with him. He has run off to Omega. Dangerous place but he always had this rebel streak. She is just worried about him and I barely recognized her. Looks all pale and thin. Poor woman. Nothing worse for a mother than to worry about her only child. _

_I keep telling everyone, that my son was part of Commander Shepard's team. I'm so proud of you, Jeffrey. _

_I hope to hear from you soon. Tell me all about your new ship. _

_Love,_

_Mom_

Joker swallowed hard. He had not told his mother that the Alliance had grounded him after what had happened. He didn't really know why. Maybe he just didn't want her to worry about him like Mrs. Weaver did about Billy. Didn't want her to think he would do something stupid now that the Alliance wouldn't let him fly anymore. Well, maybe that part wasn't so far fetched.

Unlike other mothers of children with chronic diseases, his mom had never pampered him. She had always supported and encouraged him. She had tried to be strong and probably thought that he hadn't heard her cry whenever he'd broken his bones again, or seen her puffy eyes in the hospital every time he had to undergo surgery to have the rods inside of his bones replaced. But her strength had made him strong. While other kids had cried over every bruise and sought comfort in their mothers' embrace, he'd held back his tears as often as possible. Not because his mom wouldn't hug him but for the simple fact, that he hadn't wanted her to worry about him more than she already did.

_Hey Ma, _

_I'm sorry I haven't written you sooner. I'm on Arcturus Station right now. Have been for a while, actually. The Alliance and the Council are trying to hush things up about Commander Shepard. She hasn't gone missing. She's dead. She died with the Normandy. They broke up our team and grounded me. You know, I can't live a life without flying ships, Ma. _

_I resigned. But don't worry, I already have a new job. One where I'm a pilot again and don't have to sit at a desk the whole day. It's a private organization and they pay well. Like you always said, out of everything bad, comes something good. And it helps, that I'm the best pilot in the whole galaxy. _

_I don't know when I'll be writing again because I'll be flying a lot, but I promise to send you a message as soon as I can. _

_Love, yours_

_Jeffrey_

Joker read the message again. It wasn't a bold faced lie. He was about to start a new job, although he didn't know when exactly. His mother sure as hell didn't have to know that Shepard had died saving his life. There was no need to tell her what a close call it had been for him.

He sent the message and his eyes searched around the room again. If he couldn't contact Cerberus, he would have to wait for them. After all, they were the ones watching from the shadows and would know where to find him.

"Hey, can I get you another drink?" One of the girls startled him.

"Sure," Joker grinned and stared after her when she sauntered off towards the bar.

Only a few minutes later she came back and placed a full glass on the table.

"Any extras tonight?" She asked, placing one hand on her hip.

"Maybe later. I'm waiting for someone," Joker declined her offer.

She leaned forward on the table and placed both hands on his shoulders, while her face came close to his.

"You may want _some _now," her voice breathed into his ear. Then she stood back and looked at him.

Joker narrowed his eyes at her. "Alright," he said slowly. Apparently, Cerberus' contacts came in all different shapes.

She nodded towards the exit. Everyone who saw them, would just think, they'd go to a dark place for some _extras. _Like they had done so many times before. After all, this was Bill's and people knew how things were done around here.

Joker stepped outside and followed her towards the dark alleyway. A black, sleeveless lace top covered her back, while the front revealed her firm breasts, which bounced slightly with every step she took, while her long blond hair curled around her neck and shoulders. Not even now, could he stop his eyes from drifting over her long legs and the tiny skirt she was wearing, the same skirt that sat casually on her swaying hips. He could tell she wore nothing underneath it. A tingly sensation began to spread from his loins and he silently cursed at his own weakness. Right now was no time for _this._

She led him around the corner and into a dimly lit building. He knew that her room was on the first level. It was small and just like every hooker's room. Nothing really fancy, but at least it was clean.

The door slid open and when he stepped inside he wasn't really surprised to see Jason Stark sitting in a chair by the window, where a girl was handing him a drink while she placed the bottle on the small table. Joker remembered her to be another waitress at the bar, but he'd always been bad with faces, especially when there were other certain areas of the body that required his full visual attention.

"I'm glad you decided to accept our offer, Mr. Moreau," Stark stood up and walked towards him.

"The news spreads really fast," Joker replied while the door closed behind him.

"Well, you know, we have our ways of always keeping up to date." Stark gave him an empty smile. "Christine, pour our guest a drink," he glanced over his shoulder to the girl who obeyed promptly.

"How did you know where to find me?" But he knew the answer himself. He had been hanging out at Bill's after work ever since his return to Arcturus Station. "Forget I asked." He muttered, looking at the girls.

"Oh, they don't work for us, but you of all people should know that women like them do anything if the price is right," Stark said, sipping his drink. "In your case it helped that Jolene owed me a personal favour." He took another sip and looked at the girl who had led Joker here. "I assume you have many questions but I'm afraid answers will have to wait. Now is not the right time." He placed two-thousand credits on the table, while the girl named Christine handed Joker a glass and then sat down on the bed. "I expect you the day after tomorrow, at ten hundred hours. One of our agents will give you the exact location tomorrow afternoon." Stark emptied his glass. "Just make sure, you're at home this time."

"Uh, yeah..." Joker stammered. He had many questions, but apparently this was the way things were done by Cerberus.

"Now, enjoy yourself, Mr. Moreau," Stark said, then he nodded at both girls and added. "A little welcome gift from your new employer." He disappeared through the door.

Joker downed his drink and gave both girls a broad grin. He wondered if Cerberus treated all new employees like this, while Jolene walked towards him, stripping out of her lace top, and Christine took the glass from his hands.

Maybe this was just one of the benefits Stark had mentioned the day before, but his brain decided to postpone the thinking process when his shirt was removed and he felt the warmth of two female bodies pressing against his chest and his back.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Again, thank you to Buggirl and Nightodie for their beta! - Sorry for the break in the middle of the conversation between TIM and Joker. More to come in chapter 8.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Joker awoke from his nap and stretched his hurting neck as the shuttle was approaching a large space station somewhere far out in the Terminus Systems. He had hardly been able to sleep since he'd left Acturus Station about three days ago.

As agreed, he had met Stark, and then spent the next two days preparing for his departure. The shuttle had taken him to Omega first, where they had been running all kinds of errands for nearly a day. Well, Stark had. Joker had spent most of the time in a club called Afterlife.

_He stared at the big, red letters above the club's entrance. Not quite what he had imagined the afterlife to be. Many people had queued up in front of an elcor bouncer, waiting, more or less patiently, to be allowed inside. _

_All these stories he had heard about Omega and none of them came even close to reality. Yes, it was a shithole. Loud, dirty and packed with the scum of the galaxy. Joker doubted that anyone here made a living from respectable jobs. The irony of it all was, he somehow liked it. Not so much the rudeness of the people, or the drunks and homeless laying around in every corner, but the atmosphere itself. The smell of freedom and - ew, was that piss? He wrinkled his nose. _

_Sure, he didn't want to get into a fight with one of the heavily armed mercs, or end up dead only because someone didn't like the colour of his eyes. But people here didn't care. They didn't even look at him twice. No one gave a shit about the limping guy with his crutches, dressed in casual civvies, wearing a hat. However, he wouldn't be sending his mom a holocard. She'd be too worried if she knew where he was right now. _

_Stark seemed to despise this place, pushing his way through the crowd of aliens and humans with a look of plain disgust on his face. _

_They passed by the long queue, and a batarian guard by the door nodded briefly at Stark, before they entered the club. Obviously, he had been here before and didn't have to wait in line like everyone else. _

"_Nice place," Joker said, when they stepped through the second of the large doors. "Ya know, quite... cozy," he added, when Stark gave him a doubtful look. _

"_We're here for Aria, Mr. Moreau, not for your entertainment," he said in a cold voice. _

"_Aria? Didn't know they liked human opera around here," Joker smirked._

_Stark shook his head. "The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can leave this...mud hole," he spat. A drunk turian stumbled against him and he shoved him away, brutally. "Can't tell the aliens from the animals." _

"_Déjà vu," Joker muttered under his breath, as an image of Ashley popped up in the back of his mind. The young chief would probably break every bone in his body, if she saw him here with a Cerberus agent. He shook his head to get rid of this thought, trying to silence his guilty conscience. _

_Stark walked to the entrance of a private booth that was guarded by another armed batarian. _

"_Aria is already waiting for you," the guard barked. _

"_Charming as always, Anto," Stark replied in a casual tone. _

"_No one keeps Aria waiting," came another snarled reply._

"_Let me handle this," Stark muttered as they walked upstairs and entered the private booth. _

"_You're late, Jason," the asari greeted them. "I hope, Cerberus will stick to their part of the deal." _

"_If you have what we've asked of you, then I see no reason why we should cancel our agreement," Stark said, crossing both arms in front of his chest. "Of course, I will have to see it before I can transfer the rest of the money to your personal account." _

_Aria stepped closer to him. "I always keep my word," she hissed at him. "Unlike you." Then she turned to Joker. _

"_It seems to become a habit lately, for members of Shepard's crew to show up on Omega," she said, studying him from head to toe. _

_Joker furrowed his eyebrows. "What's that supposed to..." _

_Stark cut him short. "This is none of your business," he said to Aria in a sharp tone._

"_It becomes my business," the asari replied harshly, "The moment it attracts the wrong people." She glared at Stark before she turned her head to Joker again and walked towards him. _

"_Your little asari friend caused quite some trouble when she came through here a couple of weeks ago. Killed some Blue Suns along the way." Aria narrowed her eyes and dropped her voice to a whisper. "Never heard if she found what she was looking for but she definitely got herself involved with the wrong people." _

_Joker stared at her in disbelief. "Liara was here?" he croaked. _

"_And she wasn't alone," Aria nodded, turning around and starting pacing around the room. "She was with an agent of the Shadow Broker." _

"_I said, this is none of your business," Stark barked, angrily. "I've come here to pick up the shipment, not to listen to your gossip." _

"_If anything connects the Shadow Broker and the Collectors to Omega, you will listen to everything I say," Aria shouted, crossing the distance between herself and Stark with a few quick steps. "Surprised?" She sneered, "that I know, the drell was working for both sides? I'm sure, his little friend," she nodded towards Joker, who looked confusingly from her to the human and back, "was not very happy, when she found out." _

"_Spare me your I-am-Omega-crap," Stark snarled, unimpressed. "Unless, you don't have what we came here for. In which case, we should leave." He took a step backwards and turned around._

"_Oh, don't try to insult me," Aria laughed dryly. "You know very well, I have what you're looking for." She walked over to a couch where she sat down. "Anto, show him." _

_The batarian guard opened two smaller crates and Stark looked inside, his back blocking Joker's view. _

_Joker had no idea what was going on, and had never felt more uncomfortable. This Aria seemed different from all other asari he'd met before. Her skin wasn't even completely blue, but more like a dark purple and even though she sat on the couch, casually, her eyes took notice of everything around her. The things, she had said about Liara, echoed in his ears. Even though it made no sense to him, her mentioning of the Collectors and the Shadow Broker reminded him of what Liara had told him weeks ago. That she was going to look for a friend, one that was worth risking her life for. Joker swallowed hard. The Collectors had always been a mystery. A ghost tale, ship pilots told their passengers whenever they had to wait for a mass relay jump. He hadn't believed they existed, but from what he'd just heard, they were real. Aria's reaction had showed him, that they were feared even by the queen of Omega. _

_Many questions entered his mind. Cerberus had something to do with Liara, yet no matter how much he tried, he just couldn't find the missing link. Stark didn't seem too pleased about Aria telling Joker all this. Part of him wanted to ask her, just to piss the Cerberus agent off. But the other part told him, to keep his mouth shut. Aria wasn't someone to fuck with. _

"_Alright," Stark nodded, approvingly, startling Joker out of his thoughts. "I'll arrange the money transfer, as agreed." He stepped back and activated his omni-tool. At the same time, Anto's omni-tool beeped and the batarian checked it. A few moments later, he nodded at Aria to confirm the successful transfer. _

"_I think we're done here," Stark said, turning to leave, while two men entered and picked up the crates. _

"_You're always in such a hurry, Jason," Aria snarled from her throne. "Why don't you make yourself comfortable downstairs at the bar? Drinks are on the house." She smirked. "Girls are, too." _

_Anto grinned broadly, revealing two rows of spiky, yellow teeth. Stark ignored both of them and left with Joker in tow. _

"_What was that all about?" Joker asked, as they walked downstairs._

"_She always has to have the last word," Stark frowned. _

"_That's not what I meant," Joker insisted. "The thing about Liara and the Shadow Broker and hell, the Collectors? What the shit?" _

"_I'm not the one to answer these questions, Mr. Moreau. I've told you that before. As soon as we reach our destination..." _

"_I don't give a shit about our destination right now. I wanna know if Liara's alright," Joker glared at him. _

"_This I can tell you. She's safe." Stark said, conciliatory. _

"_Then where is she? Is she working for Cerberus, too?" _

_But the man in front of him raised both hands. "All in due time, Mr. Moreau." Stark looked around and nodded briefly at a man by the bar. "I have some more errands to run. Wait here. I'll pick you up, when I'm finished."_

"The Illusive Man wants to speak with you," Stark said.

The Illusive Man didn't quite sound like your average Joe. He wondered if all Cerberus people had some sort of code name. He'd be Skymaster Lightfoot, and Stark? Joker glanced at the man by the shuttle door. Defintely a Grimface Buttpole. He suppressed a snort. Not the right time for this, dammit.

Getting to his feet, his aching backside reminded him that he'd just spent the past eighteen hours in a highly uncomfortable seat. He nodded briefly and followed Stark past four shuttles, out of the docking area, through a long corridor into a dimly lit room that had an elliptical-shaped pit on the ground. The moment, both men stepped in its center, a scanner grid rose around them, reaching from the floor to the ceiling.

Seconds later Joker found himself facing a man, who was sitting in a chair in front of a large holographic display of a planet.

"Mr. Moreau, I'm glad to see you've decided to accept our offer," he said. "Good work, Jason. I assume, everything went well with the asari?"

"We received the shipment. I also spoke to Pel. He'll contact the quarian," Stark replied.

The Illusive Man nodded briefly. "Now if you'll excuse us, your next assignment is waiting for you already."

Stark disappeared, as he stepped outside of the scanner.

"So you're the big boss, huh?" Joker asked. "What's with the name? Illusive Man?" He was here, but that didn't mean he trusted them.

"A name the Alliance gave me. I decided to stick with it, after they were unable to reveal my true identity." He lit himself a cigarette and inhaled deeply.

"What's this all about?" Joker nodded at the scanner around him.

"Simple safety precaution. I'm sure you understand." He took a sip from the drink, that stood on the arm of his chair.

"Worried, I might run back to the Alliance to tell them where to find you?" Joker smirked.

"I don't think you will, Mr. Moreau. Not after what you're about to hear." He shook his head slightly. "Cerberus is not as evil as you may think."

"Really? Rachni, husks, thresher maw traps for soldiers, Admiral Kahoku, remind me if I'm forgetting something here," Joker snapped.

"Humanity has to keep up with the other races. Do you really think turians or salarians are not experimenting?"

"I doubt they're running experiments like that on their own people."

"Indeed, they are not. Look what they did to the krogans with the genophage. They could have just lowered the birth rate, but instead they brought them to the brink of extinction. We refuse to sit around and wait until they decide humanity has become too powerful. You may not approve of our methods but this is what needs to be done to secure us a spot among the other species in the future."

Joker stared at the Illusive Man. A feeling of disgust started growing inside of him. Had he really made the right choice? What the hell had he been thinking that he would ever work for these people.

"I'll be honest with you. I'm here to listen to what you've got to say. I don't trust Cerberus but if you really wanna stop the Reapers you're at least doing more than the Alliance and the Council," he said, in an attempt to open a backdoor for himself. "If you don't convince me, I'm out."

"Fair enough," the Illusive Man nodded.

"Don't expect me to be part of your sick operations," Joker added.

"That's not why we have brought you here, Mr. Moreau."

"Then _why exactly _did you recruit me?" He asked, then added, "Wait, its because of Liara, isn't it?"

"I heard that Aria couldn't keep her mouth shut." Again, the Illusive Man shook his head, swirling his drink. "But yes, in a way it has to do with your friend Liara."

"Where is she? What have you done to her?"

"I can assure you, that she's safe. She helped us with a dangerous mission."

"Wha... Liara?" Startled, Joker limped two steps backwards. "She'd never work for you," he burst out.

"She's not working for us. But for a short period of time, she and Cerberus shared the same goal."

"I doubt, she wanted to be part of... whatever it is, that you do." An asari working for a pro-human organization? This didn't make any sense to him.

"She helped us find Shepard," the Illusive Man continued.

One thing was certain, Cerberus knew how to punch people in the face without even using their hands. For a few seconds, Joker's mind wrapped itself slowly around each of the five words the Illusive Man had just said.

"She did what? But... how?" Shepard was dead. The last time he'd seen her was right before the door of the escape pod had closed. And even though the pod had no windows, he'd felt the explosion's shock wave while he'd been blasted out into open space. There was no way she could have survived that.

"This is why we brought you here, Mr. Moreau," the Illusive Man said. "As part of the Lazarus Project."

"I don't understand... Shepard is dead." He slowly shook his head, as though this would clear his mind.

"You have heard of the Shadow Broker?" The Illusive Man asked, taking another sip.

Joker nodded.

"And since you're a pilot, I assume that you are familiar with the stories they tell about the Collectors?"

He nodded again. "They take people beyond the Omega 4 relay," he croaked hoarsely, desperately trying to add the pieces of the puzzle.

"Indeed. From all different species. They look for certain specimens and pay horrendous sums to slavers and mercenaries to get what they want. No one knows why they do it, nor what happens to those they take with them. Not so long ago, the Collectors contacted the Shadow Broker and offered him money, information, maybe even technology, in exchange for Shepard's remains."

Joker swallowed hard. So she had died, but what would the Collectors want with Shepard's body? All kinds of horrible stories about the Collectors sprang to his mind, sending a shiver down his spine. He didn't even want to think about what they would do to the Commander.

"You said Liara helped you find Shepard?" Joker said in a low voice, trying his best to hide the horror he felt.

"She did. Of course, she only reluctantly agreed to cooperate, but she succeed, and with her help, we were able to proceed with the Lazarus Project."

Joker still didn't understand.

"But Shepard is dead," he repeated to himself.

"You see, Mr. Moreau," the Illusive Man stood up from his chair and turned around to face the large planet behind him. "We have the most advanced technology at our command, allowing us to overcome the last limit of our existence."

"What do you mean? You're cloning her?" He stared at the Illusive Man, wide-eyed. His face had turned pale. "That's... that's sick. You're insane." Joker shook his head in disbelief.

"We're not cloning her." The man in front of him snorted, disapprovingly.

"Well, good...," Joker replied, relaxing his tense muscles. "Because... you can't clone her. She's unique. If you cloned her, she wouldn't be the same."

"Very true, Mr. Moreau. I'm glad you see it the same way that I do." The Illusive Man turned around slowly and looked at him. "That's why we are resurrecting her."


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: I quoted "Mass Effect: Redemption" in the conversation between Joker and TIM. It fit just perfectly. Stark mentioning Pel and "the quarian" is a reference to "Mass Effect: Ascension"

And again, Thank you to Buggirl and Nightodie. I never get tired of saying what a great beta job both of you are doing :)

* * *

**Chapter 8**

"Whoa, easy cowboy, what'cha think you're doing there?" The young, blond woman barked, as Joker climbed into the seat next to hers. "Passengers sit in the back." She pointed her thumb over her shoulder.

"Look, Bambi, I graduated from Flight School long before you even figured out that big mouth of yours can be used for something other than talking. So why don't you just shut up, and let me sit where I want," he snarled at her.

He wasn't in the mood for another ten hour flight to yet another Cerberus facility, nor did he feel much like spending it strapped to an uncomfortable passenger seat. Not that this particular seat was any better, but at least, he could enjoy the view of the stars and pretend he was flying the shuttle himself.

The woman glared at him, before her mouth formed a broad grin. "Sandy," she introduced herself, then added, "And thanks."

"Jeff Moreau," he replied, giving her a confused look. "Errm, what for?"

"For saying, I'm young," she laughed. "Even though you had to pull the broomstick out of your rectum, and you nearly beat me to death with it, but you know...," she shrugged, then turned back to the command console in front of her, still smiling, before she added, "Every woman loves compliments."

Joker stared at her, puzzled. For a moment he considered going to the back of the shuttle and spending the flight there. He needed some time to think about everything that had happened and didn't feel much like talking to this smart ass in the pilot seat.

"So, are you going to stare at me the whole flight?" she asked him.

He hadn't realized, that he was still looking at her.

"You could take a holo, ya know? Lasts longer and doesn't mind the stains."

"What the shit?" Joker snapped.

"Just do me a favor and wait till we've reached our destination. There aren't any restrooms aboard this shuttle." Her grin grew even wider. "And we're out of tissues as well."

"Look, Sugar Lips," he began, but she cut him short.

"Hey, I liked Bambi better," she pouted, playfully. "Made me feel special."

"Yeah, you're special," he replied in a sarcastic tone. "You're a few french fries short of a happy meal."

Sandy threw her head back and laughed loudly. "Holy crap, I haven't heard that one in ages." Still laughing, she said. "And you're a few beers short of a six-pack."

Joker gave her a startled look, then relaxed a little, leaning back into his seat. "One of my flight instructors used to say that all the time."

Sandy frowned. "Chief Powell, eh?"

"Yeah, you know him?"

"He's my old man," she muttered, then fell silent and stared at the control panel in front of her.

Joker studied her from the side. "Never knew he had a daughter," he finally said, but she simply shrugged and typed in the undocking-sequence with more force than necessary. "I mean, he didn't seem to be a family guy," Joker added.

"Oh, he was," she snapped. "Perfect father for his _sons_. Just not..." She stopped and glanced at him. "Nevermind. You look tired, how about you sleep a bit and I'll wake you up when we arrive? It's gonna be long ride, anyway."

Joker nodded and turned his head to look outside, while his mind trailed off to a few hours in the past.

"_You're kidding, right?" Joker gave the Illusive Man a dumbfounded look. _

"_You said it yourself, cloning would not give us back the Commander Shepard, that we've known."_

"_We?" Joker laughed, helplessly. "I knew her. You didn't. She's dead!" He shouted. "I saw her die. I...," He shook his head, trying to sort his thoughts. Everything came crashing down on him and his mouth didn't know which sentence to form first. "No one can come back from the dead. No one!" Joker finally said in a low voice. His knees were about to give in. _

"_Mr. Moreau, I can understand that you're upset, but I assure you that she will be the same person as before." _

"_You can't be serious." His voice cracked while his mind tried desperately to wrap itself around every single word. The situation felt unreal. Was the Illusive Man trying to play God?_

"_We have the technology to bring her back. Would you rather she was in the hands of the Collectors?"_

_Of course, he was glad that the Collectors hadn't taken her with them. If only Liara had told him, that she'd been looking for Shepard. He could have gone with her, helped her. Could have gotten Shepard back home, where she belonged. Not... here. _

"_So it's frying pan or fire? You being the lesser of two evils?" He glared at the Illusive Man._

"_You know very well that the Alliance and the Council are ignoring the Reaper threat. Shepard is our only hope and our best chance of success against the Reapers. Cerberus will not sit around and wait for humanity's extinction. You wouldn't have come here, if you didn't agree with at least part of what we are trying to accomplish." _

_Yes, he wanted to do something, but he'd had his doubts. After all, they were Cerberus. There had to be a different way. That's when he realized that if he did this, there would be no turning back. The doors to his past would be forever closed to him. He could never go back and try to re-enlist with the Alliance, or find a job as a pilot for some politician. He would never leave Shepard alone in their hands. He had to stay, and Cerberus knew it. The pieces of the puzzle were finally fitting into place._

"_You bastard," Joker hissed through gritted teeth._

_They had played him ever since he had talked to Stark for the first time. His loyalty for the Commander being the weak spot they could take advantage of. Just like they would use him to convince Shepard if she ever woke up, because she trusted him. _

"_Can we count on you, Mr. Moreau?" The Illusive Man sat down in his chair again. _

"_No," Joker shook his head, slowly. "But Shepard can." _

"_I've heard that before." The man in front of him stated, then added, "Nothing beats someone with a personal motive driving them." _

"_I wanna see her," Joker demanded, ignoring the Illusive Man's last words. _

"_She's not on this station, Mr. Moreau." _

"_Then take me to wherever she is. You want me to work for you? I need to see her first." _

"Is there any reason why you're grinding your teeth?" Sandy's voice brought him back to the present.

"Huh?"

"You're grinding your teeth. It's really annoying," she said.

"Sorry, just been thinking," Joker replied.

"Think more quietly," she snapped.

"The sunshine gene really runs in the family, eh?"

"Hey, watch your big mouth, cowboy," Sandy barked.

"Yeah, just like your dad," he teased.

"I told you to shut the fuck up." She turned her head and glared at him.

"Or what? You're gonna slam on the brakes and kick me out?"

"Good idea," she snarled.

"Look, I didn't like your old man either so don't take your daddy issues out on me, okay?"

Sandy sighed and leaned back in her seat.

"How come you work for Cerberus?" Joker asked, trying to change the subject.

"Well," she shrugged, "My dad always thought that flying was for boys, you know? But I grew up around ships. Flew my first shuttle when I was eleven. Man, he was so mad." She laughed sadly at the memory and shook her head. "Of course, he wouldn't let his only daughter enlist in the Alliance. That's always been my brothers' jobs. I have three by the way. And they made daddy proud. So, I ran off shortly after my eighteenth birthday. Then I worked my ass off to pay for a private flight school. That's where Cerberus recruited me ten years ago." She shrugged again.

"You went all rebel on your dad, huh? What about your mom?"

"She died when I was very little. My dad basically raised us alone."

"I'm sorry," Joker said.

"What about you? How did you end up working for Cerberus?" She gave him a curious look..

"I'm not working for Cerberus," he replied, then scratched his neck. "At least, not yet. I left the Alliance after my ship got destroyed and they grounded me. Pilots need to fly."

"I hear ya," Sandy nodded. "People just don't understand. They always ask if I don't get bored during those countless hours of FTL travel, when I just sit here and have to watch the console..."

"... and push a button every now and then," Joker chimed in.

"Yeah," she laughed. "But it's just so peaceful. Here you are, you see the blur of the stars passing by and you just feel so..."

"... free." he finished her sentence.

"You know it," she replied. "Those same people take it for granted that a ship takes them from point A to point B. Or they expect you to get them out of dangerous situations quickly."

"Right," Joker frowned, then he cleared his throat. "Cerberus has a bad reputation. Doesn't that bother you at all?"

"Eh, I'm just the pilot. They tell me where to fly, I'll do it. I don't ask any questions. Don't really give a shit to be honest." She shrugged and returned her attention to the command console.

They spent the rest of the flight in silence. Joker felt tired and drained but he dreaded their arrival too much to fall asleep. He didn't know what to expect.

What if Cerberus succeeded bringing Shepard back? What if she woke up and didn't want to be back? What if she was pissed that Cerberus had done this to her and he hadn't done anything to stop them? Would she understand his motivation? He was the reason she had died in the first place. He had failed her then, but he wouldn't now, the one thing he could do was to stay with her so she wasn't alone. She could still kick his ass once she was back.

Eventually, he dozed off and woke later, when Sandy sent the docking request for the station.

"Is that it?" He asked.

She nodded. "They're expecting us."

Sandy maneuvered the shuttle through a large door into the docking area where several security mechs approached them, led by a man with dark skin.

"Jacob Taylor," he greeted Joker.

"Hi there, sweet cheeks. Did you miss me?" Sandy jumped out and grinned at him, but the man ignored her.

"I have orders to take you to the security labs. It's a bit of a walk. You fit for that?" He glanced at Joker's crutches.

"As long as you don't expect me to jog," he replied.

"Don't worry. Already got my work out done for today."

"That's right, keep that body in shape," Sandy smirked, eyeing Taylor from head to toe with a salacious smile on her face.

"Shall we?" He ignored her once again.

Joker nodded as he followed slowly behind Jacob while the dark man led the way.

"Tight security around here," he noted, as they passed by more mechs and a few YMIRs in standby mode.

"One can never be too careful." Taylor pointed to the right and looked at Sandy. "Crew quarters and the mess are this way."

"What? No labs for me?" She pouted but when he raised an eyebrow, she hastily added, "Yeah, got it. I'll wait in the mess."

She trotted off and disappeared around a corner.

Joker followed Jacob through what seemed like a nearly endless maze of hallways, past closed doors and large glass walls, that sometimes revealed what was going on inside. Most of them were more laboratories, some empty and dim, while in others, scientists and personnel were going about their work, bent over computer terminals or working on something he couldn't identify.

After ten minutes they reached a heavily guarded entrance. A dark-haired woman in a white, catsuit-like uniform, came walking towards them and introduced herself as Miranda Lawson.

"I should warn you," she said. "We recovered the subject only a month ago. Status as of now is more dead than alive."

Her words forced their way slowly into Joker's consciousness.

"What do you mean?" he croaked.

"The body suffered multiple fractures, internal injuries and heavy burns from the explosion, as well as significant cellular breakdown due to long term exposure to vacuum and sub zero temperatures."

Joker winced at every single word of her description, but none of it actually prepared him for what he saw when they entered a small observation room. A black mass of meat lay on a table behind the glass wall.

"Despite the extent of the physical trauma, subject is salvageable." Miranda's voice became a far away echo in his ears, as his eyes wandered slowly over what was supposed to be Commander Shepard's body.

Five scientists were cleaning the burned skin, removing large parts of dead tissue, revealing burned flesh underneath. Joker was grateful that a woman's back blocked his view of the head. He quickly closed his eyes, when she stepped aside, but the brief glimpse he caught of Shepard's face was enough to let his heart sink to his boots. Despite her helmet, something had cut deep wounds into the flesh of her cheeks. Her right eyelid was completely gone and the uncovered eyeball stared lifeless into space.

"_All of you, even those who have never been on a spaceship before, know what that is." Chief Powell pointed at the door in front of the group. "Serviceman Martinez?" _

"_It's the airlock, Sir," Pedro said. _

"_Correct. And what does it do?" He turned to Joker. _

"_It equalizes the pressure in the space between both doors with the pressure of the environment that lays beyond the doors, permitting passage between two dissimilar spaces," he replied sternly. _

_The Chief nodded approvingly at his definition, while a few of the others started to giggle. _

"_Let's hear what's so funny, Parker," Powell barked. _

"_Nothing, Sir, sorry," Parker stammered, looking down._

"_I assume you can tell us, what would happen to you, if I tossed you out of the airlock?" _

"_I would die, Sir," he said, meekly. _

"_And why would you die?" Powell crossed both arms in front of his chest. _

"_Uh... the pressure thing... I guess," Parker muttered, looking around. _

_Joker shook his head. "It depends," he said. "If Parker wears helmet and bio-suit, he should be fine. Maybe feel a bit dizzy."_

"_And if he doesn't?" Powell raised an eyebrow and turned his head._

"_He'd lose consciousness after fifteen seconds and then die of hypoxia. The water on his tongue would begin to boil, just like the rest of his body fluids while the steam would bloat his body to twice its size."_

"_Hmm, yummy," Parker sneered. _

"_There is, however, a chance he would survive this," Joker continued, ignoring the remark, "If the time of exposure is less than ninety seconds and immediate actions are taken to repressurize the body." _

He had heard much about the accidents where people had been exposed to open space and died. He knew the effects of hard vacuum from the books and it's been part of a pilot's training to know everything about it. Just like they had shoved it down his throat to start counting seconds the moment a pressure loss occurred. But seeing Shepard was not like learning from books or hearing stories.

Parts of her arms and legs were deformed where the suit had been cut open from the ship's debris or the force of the explosion. The fabric hadn't been strong enough to keep the exposed skin from expanding.

Joker leaned his forehead against the cool glass and tried to hold back the tears. "I'm so sorry, Shepard," he whispered. He wasn't able to find comfort in the fact that she had been unconscious before the rest of her body reacted to the pressure loss. Fifteen seconds was all she'd had left. Still, it was enough time to realize it was over.


	9. Update

This is just a little update to let everyone know that I am still working on chapter 9, which has really been a pain in the ass...literally xD

Thanks for all your patience and your messages and reviews.


End file.
